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We're one mistake from being together, but let's not ask why its not wont be 17 forever and we can get away with this tonight
Written at 6:34 p.m. on Wednesday, Dec. 24, 2008

I have so much to say that so many words keep coming to the surface...but none of them are forming a full sentence.

Tom came out here and it was incredible. He just took my breath away every chance that he got. He would get up every morning before I left for work and while I was getting ready he would pack me lunch, with a cute little note, and put it in my car. Then walk me to the car when it was time to leave. It was great.

Was being the operative word. He said that he needed to get back for an "emergency" court thing for the kids. Well, once he got there he changed his call phone number and fell off the face of the earth for about a week. I just didnt understand where that came from. Before he left, we were talking about it. I told him that I felt like he wasnt coming back. He said, "I have never told you something and didnt do it."

We've been talking alot and trying to work through things. I called my family and told them that I want to come back. They all told me that if Maryland is where I want to be, then Maryland is where I will be. So someone is coming for me in a few weeks. We havent decided yet if I am just going to fly out there and leave everything here to get shipped out there. All my stuff and my car. Or if my uncle will come out, load up a uhaul with my car attached and drive back.

Now before you think it, I need to lay out the disclaimer that I am not moving back there for him. I'd be moronically stupid if I moved across the country for some guy who split on me out here. He really wants to work things out and be together. But he can date me. He had his chance, now he has to deal with being on a lower plain than he was before. I just really want to be with my family. I've missed so much time already with them. If I had done this a year earlier I could have said goodbye toi my grandfather before he died. I dont want that to happen to anyone else.

So, Tom? Yeah, I seriously have my doubts there. I know that he is going through alot of things that I just dont relate to. I have never been married and I dont have kids. But I know that if I had just hurt someone by not doing something I said I would, I would do EVERYTHING that I say that I am going to do. Like today, he asks me when I am going to leave because he's going to call me once I am out so we can use our mobile to mobile minutes. But he didnt call. He later said that he didnt end up going out.

I have to keep reminding myself that we arent 17 anymore and life just might have changed him into someone that I dont know anymore. He was a different person then, but we both went through different things in our lives that made us change who we are a little bit. Not better, not worse...just different. I think that for both of us, the people that we were at 17 are so far away from who we are now. Only time will tell if those people are meant to be together. I have no doubts about the person he was then. I just barely see that person in him anymore. This marriage has really changed him a lot.

I know that I am not going to be with a man if he is still living with his ex-wife. Even if it is in the basement and is only for the kids. I just cant do it. Ive been through enough with Matt to lat me the next five relationships. I hear him now talking about the things that she says that hurts him. Like when she tells him that he isnt a good father. she just wants to get under his skin and he really needs to stop letting her.

So I decided that I am going to get an apartment near my aunt and uncle's house. Its close enough that I can drive and see people when I want to. Yet, its far enough away that I can still feel like I am in a new area starting over with a fresh, new start. And I really need that.