To change the world, start with one step...however small, the first step is hardest of all...once you get your gait, you'll be walking tall...the things you never did, cuz you might die trying
Written at 10:54 a.m. on Tuesday, Dec. 30, 2008
I am afraid that if I dont get out of here soon, I may go crazy. I cant seem to get out of here fast enough.
I spent Christmas day over at my aunt and uncle's house. I really need to stop letting people get under my skin. My aunt had asked what area of Maryland I am thinking about, so I told her. Her response...Near Aunt Mary? I think she already has enough on her plate right now, dont you? as if I am going to be this huge,overwhelming burden on her. I've lived in the same city as this aunt for 14 years and havent asked her for shit. I dont get it.
I dont plan on asking anyone for anything. Okay, help get me out there and I'll do just fine myself. I've taken very good of myself alone for a long time now. That hasnt changed. I've gotten used to it now. I am slightly insulted at the way that she assumed that. Guess that's why she isnt one of my favorite family members.
The day after Christmas, my friend Ted called. He is in town from Texas and wanted to go have lunch. When I asked where, he said Big Bear. So we drove all the way up there. Unfortunately, we got all the way up th emountain and the Highway Patrol person said we needed to turn around because we didnt have chains on the tires. It was good to at least see the snow. Even if it was from inside the heated car.
I just keep thinking about all that is going on at the moment. My life is about to make a huge change. A large chapter of my life is about to come to a close here. But I know thats it for the best...in every way. I cant keep living like this. Which really, I am not living so much as I am just existing. I am a little scared and would only be lieing if I said that I wasnt. I do know that I am always going back to places to figure out where I went wrong. Maybe I need to go back a little farther. So that is what I am going to do. Only time will tell.
I have also closed the door on the whole Tom thing. That just isnt where I want to be anymore. When I get back to Maryland, all my focus and energy is going to be on me. I dont have time or energy for him right now. He's more than shown his true colors to me. He is just not the person that I thought he was. If he ever was to begin with. We're both so far away from those people now. And its okay. Its all a part of the lessons learned in life.
One of my dearest friends from high school brought some light to it all when we were talking the other day. She has a 10 year old daughter and hasnt really dated anyone since her daughter's father. She said that she's happy with that and that she doesnt really want to be with anyone right now. She is happy putting her energy one herself and working on her before she can work on anything else. And she's right about that. So I need to put myself into ME for a while and see what I get back. I think I've been angry and unhappy for so long that I've made a life out of it. I need to be happy with myself first before I can be happy with someone else.