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I dont want to be the girl who laughs the loudest..or the girl who never wants to be alone
Written at 1:39 a.m. on Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Its past 1:30 in the morning and where do I find myself? Right here at good ole D-land. I cant sleep that well tonight.

I have had bouts of near nervous breakdowns lately. My biggest by far this morning. Its life and I will just need to come to terms with the fact that I just might not have my shit together as well as I thought that I did. This move is really taking its toll on me.

This morning my healthcare was threatened. Being someone who relies on her healthcare like air, I just couldnt have that. I had to really dig up some good resources, but I think for the most part that I have it all under control now. For today anyway.

I didnt think that it was all going to be such a difficult experience. I thought small apartment and two cats...that cant be hard. But I'm thinking that any day nowI will pull out that last har in my head.

I have met a WONDERFUL man that is helping me through this all and is keeping me at a semi-sane stand. I wont know for sure until I get out there, but we sure are a good team. And his kids are freak'n awesome. I've gotten significantly closer to one over the others. There are 4 boy, three girls. And it was so weird. The day before we started talking I had a dream. In it were 4 boy, three girls. I kind of told him some parts of the dream that surprised him. He really has come through for me on so many level. The other day I called him up and told him that I talked to someone about an apartment. He got their number, called them and went over to look at it for me. He also took pictures and emailed them to me. Like I said, a really great guy.

So yeah, I found an apartment there. I am so excited. Its a one bedroom apartment. Very spacious. I think he said like 1,000 sq. ft. Which is alot bigger than my tiny 626 now. And its way back in the country in a very rural area. I cant wait to sit outside and look at the stars at night. Yoou get that in the country. Here in California you dont get nights like that because of all the lights. I really miss my home.

I am still talking with Tom. I'm not even about to get involved with that. There is just too much going on there and I really like my life uncomplicated. This just isnt 1990 and we arent sitting at the bridge smoking cigarettes and drinking beer. Life has moved fast. I wonder what it wouldve been like if I had reciprocated his feelings back then. He thinks that we would be married now with a couple of kids. Who knows. I had a chance back then. And he had a chance recently. It just slipped away from us. I do wish that it could be him. I really do. That week was wonderful. High school was wonderful. I never felt more protected and secure than I did with him. Then and now. I just dont like the drama. And it seems with him there always is some.

Matt is actually being pretty okay lately. I think I've cried wolf alot in the past but he knows that this time I am going. He always tells me that he is going to come out and visit me. I know that isnt true. But I'd rather walk away with a "See you soon" attitude than a sad ache knowing that it will probably be the lst time we see each other. There is alot of pain there, but there are some good times too. After almost 6 years, it will hurt and I will be sad. He promises that he is coming over in the next day or two to spend some time with me and help me pack. I'll like that.

So that is whats going on for the time being. Its wearing me out and being here for the last half hour (2:07 now) has helped get some words out of my head and a made things lighter. I think that I will be able to sleep now.