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I'm alive and I dont need a witness to know that I survuved - I'm not asking for forgiveness - I just need light - I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution..
Written at 9:15 p.m. on Sunday, Jan. 11, 2009

I am still here. Still. I want out so bad. I am ready but there seems to always be a wrench in my plans keeping it from staying together.

My uncle tells me this morning that I am driving across the country...with both cats. What the hell? I dont know about this. I would feel better if someone was coming with me. I cant find anyone. Believe me...I've asked.

I've also been talking to Tom alot. He asked me last night if I would be okay with him moving in with me and making it OUR apartment. I am still working on some issues from last month with him, but really I'd love nothing more than to start a home with him. we've talked alot about what happened and why. I definately want to work things out with him. It still just feels so right.

I really want to be there already. I will feel so much better when this is all over with and I am back there. I am getting sad. There are alot of good memories, but bad memories at the same time. Its hard to leave here, but I have to keep reminding myself...its just memories. I can take them with me. And I can trust that time has changed alot of things and these memorable things arent going to happen again. Curt told me yesterday...leave and dont look back. He said I need to get out there and live. It felkt good to hear that coming from him.

Matt on the other hand is giving me mixed signals. He keeps saying that he wants to come out and visit very soon. I dont think that he will ever do that. He keeps promsing that he is planning on it...and as always, he talks a good game. I just felt bad when he told me that me and Jim are the only friends he has...and I am leaving. I have to leave. I've run my course out here and my heart belongs out there. Not here.

This is all just stirring up so many feelings for me. I am overly emotional right now. I just need to get out there and be with him already.