Written at 7:24 a.m. on Wednesday, Feb. 11, 2009
I do not exactly know why, but yesterday I had a wild itch to go back and read some of my early entries...afterall I have 7 years written here. And all I can say is WOW!
I read back to some of the earliest ones and have no idea who that girl was or where she came from. My gawd! Its no wonder I had all the "man troubles" that I had...I was definately doing it all wrong. Totally. Whatever the right way was, I was doing the opposite. I neeeded to go back and read that though.
I think a big part of it was that I was never anybody's girlfriend...I was just the flavor of the week. I mean, there was Curt and there was Matt, but realistically that was it. My point is that always being someone's "friend with benefits" has kept me from having healthy, productive relationships. I know that it works for some people...just not me personally. Its just that for me being that "Whatever Girl" has kept me from having relationships that could ever be anything more. Because I was so complacent with thatever, it never gave the impression that I would want anything.
And yeah, hanging out at the bar all night...EVERY NIGHT didnt help either. Who would want the girl who never goes home. I mean, every night? Really? Was that necessary? I was the "Last Call Girl"...or at least what other people saw. OMG! I digusted me.
I am not trying to play it all perfect and all, but it sickened me in parts. I am definately in a more sane frame of mind now. I cant even begin to explain how happy I am. And its more healthy than anything I could have conjured up.
He called me last night when he got to work to say goodnight. This morning he texted me Good Morning Love and when I texted him back, he called. How could I not think that is sweet? He's gotten better at hearing it. Now he'll just say Ssshhh! and smile.
I have my doctor's appointment today. I will need to start getting ready soon. I tried to move my appointment up so that we could have a little more time today...but they were booked. So I guess he will be here at 1:00...I leave 1:30...get back to house around 3:30...spend time together until 5:00...then he goes to some school baseball thingy for his son's team. Its hardly worth his driving all the way up from the city...but gawd, I love spending time with him. He even joked today about how he has a key.
Guess I am not scaring him like I thought I might. Totally not trying. Please let this stay good and healthy.