Why do I feel this good sober?
Written at 11:28 a.m. on Sunday, Feb. 15, 2009
I realized last night that I really cant sabotage this. I mean, I can if I'm not careful...and I dont want to.
So last night in all of my drunkeness, he finally woke up. I dont think he liked my "sloshyness". We argued a little. But when I heard him say I think I'm gonna go, it sobered me up right quick. DO NOT MESS THIS UP, TRACEY.
So we ended up cuddled up on the sofa watching Stepbrother. I feel so stupid. I simply adore when we're sitting there watching tv and my head is on his chest...and every once in a while he'll bend down and kiss the top of my head. It melts me. He just melts all of the ice away. Just his smile alone does it. All of the icicles just fall when he's around.
So I spent most of the night kicking my own ass about all that happened. I hated myself for it. Here I have this wonderful guy who is so good to me...and doesnt expect much from me...and cares about me for me. And I am single handedly screwing it up. What is wrong with me? I am just going to ruin it if I'm not careful.
Like this morning when he came. Which was to my surprise he did because I didnt think he would. So he comes in this morning and crawls into bed with me. He tells me about all of the things that he picked up...steak, shrimp, barbeque chicken for sandwiches. And I am just feeling like the biggest tool. And he asks me if I figured out which movie we're going to go see. He doesnt care...my choice.
That is what I mean. I have this great guy and he's bearing with me at the moment. But one day he might wake up and wonder what the hell he's doing with me. And that scares me to pieces. Because he is so wonderful and is probably dating below his potential with me. I know that I feel like the luckiest girl in the world just to have him here. And I do not want to lose this...lose him.
I am going to carefully watch every word and every action. I need to tread carefully with kid gloves.