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Because of you I dont know how to let anyone else in...
Written at 10:02 a.m. on Wednesday, Feb. 18, 2009

It has been an interesting last couple of days. Thats for sure. I havent written anything here because, well, I am not really liking myself too much right now.

And there is no real reason that I shouldnt. Just this sinking, aching feeling. I think that I forgot how much the seasonal depression affects me. In California, we have two season...warm...and warmer. I think that the cold weather is getting to me. Maybe its not getting out of this house for days at a time because of the weather that is doing it. Not knowing where you are going makes a difference too.

So Valentine's Day was a little shaky. So was the day after. I dont know what happened...but it involved some tears. I think on both parts. We did have a good talk out of it. I think whatever it was, it left me with another uncomfortable feeling. We did go to the movies the next day and have fun. We saw Taken. It was good. Liam Neison is hot!

My emotions have been on overload lately. When I asked him if he could "clean slate" me he said I can do that, but I cant keep 'clean slating' the same thing over and over." Understandable.

I was talking with Matt the other day. I knew that I probably shouldnt have. He always makes me feel like I come up with everything on my own and he didnt cause any neurotic tendancies. I was telling him that I felt like I was with him all over again...watching him sleep on Valentine's Day. Except with Matt, he didnt have a reason to sleep like "M" does. We were talking about things and he says What, did you think 'crazy' didnt travel with you? I saw your plane said you, Leo, Pippin and 'crazy'." He always makes me feel so good. I did chuckle for a second about it though. He did say in all seriousness that I need to let it all go. And that I need to know that I was good to him, better than I should have been, and it was him that screwed it all up. That made me feel a little better. Sometimes talking to him makes me feel like shit...and other times it makes me feel better about myself. I HAVE to stop walking around with these neurotic tendancies. I have to check them at the door.

I am waiting for "M" to get here now. He had called me last night while I was sleeping at 1am and we were talking. He had to make a call and said to get some sleep and that he'd be over today. I just really hate the "waiting game". I think that is what does it for me. I hate waiting for people. I hate the feeling that comes with waiting. Hmmm, he said today...will it be 11...12...1...I dunno.