Some day you might find you are starving...and eating ALL of the words that you said...
Written at 2:34 a.m. on Saturday, Feb. 21, 2009
I seem to always find myself here. And right now, I dont exactly know what's happening. I'm kind of in the middle of it, the eye of the storm, at this exact moment...and I dont know which end is up at the moment.
There was a guy I was talking to shortly before I met "M", who I stopped talking to for a while. When we started talking again and I told him that I was seeing someone, he kept making mention asking dont lose my number...and when your man starts acting like a man and isnt treating you so well, call me.
So "M" gets a little wild hair up his ass tonight and starts acting like a girl. Analyzing and over-analyzing...then doing it all over again. He's reading in to everything. I'm afraid one day I will be a guy and hurt you...I dont want to do that. I'm thinking that I'm about to be broken up with. Oh, if only.
He brought some things to the conversation that I dont know where he dragged them up from. He jokes about me not being psycho, but he thinks that I have a "psycho edge". I was telling him that I left all of the baggage and weight back in California. He thought I meant physical weight. About that, if you worked so hard to get the weight off, why wouldnt you do something about the skin?" So I asked him if it bothered him and he said When things go wrong I will let that bother me. And he was afraid of how it wouod be when it does bother him because it doesnt bother him now. So let me see if I get this right...I was over 320 lbs and lost almost half of that (wonderful acheivement) and some guy is going to tell me that I havent done enough. WTF? He told me that when things go wrong, he will pick me apart like that. Again...WTF? Is this coming from the guy who is slightly, ok alot, over weight...balding...cant breathe through his nose so he always sounds like a snotball. Cant be...I'm thinking glass houses, right?
He then continues to say, oh by the way this was all online, that he shouldnt have said anything because this would normally bother him but for some reason he isnt bothered by it with me. Oh, yay! So he's sorry that he said anything by this point. And now he's confused and doesnt know heads from tails. He asked if he could have a couple of days to think about things and get his feelings straight. So I tell him that he just won a Get Out of Jail Free Card and I will make it easier for him...bring me my key, get your shit and fuck off.
Last weekend when we had one of "those" conversations, he threw a sports analogy at me about a baseball player that was so focused on not losing that he didnt focus enough on winning. He thought that I was trying too hard not to screw up. Well tonight he was focusing too much on what if or what may or may not happen in the future. I told him that I wanted to worry about today TODAY and didnt want to worry about tomorrow until tomorrow came...and if it even came at all. My point was that he caused an avalanche where one didnt need to be. And now he had noone to blame but himself.
I dont want to be with someone putting little bugs in my brain and making my neurotic issues come to the surface. Because I would think everytime we had sex Is he looking at my excess skin...what is he thinking? I dont need that. I am trying very hard to leave all of that behind and dont need to carry that around with me. So I think that the only healthy alternative is to let him go. He said he really likes me and doesnt want to mess things up. I think this did it. he even said that he knows now he is putting doubts in my head. He said part of him thinks that he should let me go so he doesnt hurt me and the other part says to just enjoy the moment and get past it. When I said that if he couldnt enjoy today without worrying about tomorrow, that he should cut me loose. Thats where all of the Is this what you want started. Yes, I want my key and him out of my life. I dont need this. He was too worried about how he'd react to me if things did start to go wrong. He just made them go wrong.
It was the first time in my life I looked at something with a clear mind and thought This isnt healthy for me and I have to let it go. No bueno. No matter how I have felt over the last two weeks, what he is saying to me is not good and I need to get rid of it. I told him You think I am "psycho edge" but I think this is the most sane thing I can do...I care about you, but I'd just as soon walk away than to be in something unhealthy. In the paswt, I'd clingo to it in hope that I could change it and make it work for me. I know better now. I told him that I live a drama-free life now...and all of my meals are shit-free.
We left it at him coming over Sunday to bring me my key. he wanted to leave it under my mat at first. That didnt sit right with me...the least he could do was hand it to me. I told him...knock on the door and hand it to me. I have to knock? By this point I was begging him to just leave it under the mat. I didnt really find it necessary to see him anyway.
We left it at me telling him that one day he was going to want to kick his own ass because he took something going good and turned it bad. He said that he already does. Gee, shouldve thought about that. I told him You were getting laid and there wasnt all this crazy drama...most guys would kill for that. All he can say is Believe it or not, I do love you...Ok, baby, get some sleep.
Its now 6 am and I'm not really tired. This conversation took over 3 hours. I do want to get some sleep and forget this day even happened. I am so grossed out that I let this man touch me.