This is how it is...I got my own life to live...you can either accept me or, baby, let me go...
Written at 11:32 a.m. on Tuesday, Feb. 24, 2009
I tend to go wothut writing here for a few days and I lose my D~Land mojo.
Saturday I finally got out and saw my grandmother. Which I should have done way sooner than Saturday. When I saw her, the first thing she said My god...you look just like your mother. And I'll pretend that I didnt just hear that.
So shortly after I get there she tells me that today is my grandfather's birthday. The first birthday since he's passed. She tells me that she's going to tke flowers down to his grave and asks if I want to come with her. Most definately. I miss him so much. They were married 51 years and even to the end acted like they just met. 51 years of the honeymoon period. Amongst all of the divorce today, they showed me that it can really happen. You can meet someone and spend the rest of your life with them. Its so hard now that he's not here. It just broke my heart to see my grandmother standing at his grave crying. They were truly meant for each other. I guess the last thing he said to her before he died was Kiss me. That is so adorable to me. I was so happy to learn his cemetery is right up the street from my house. Growing up, when things got hard I would go visit my great grandmother's grave and sit there for a while thinking about things. I am happy that I can do that with him now.
Of course, as I am pulling away from the cemetery I get a text from my mother Today was daddy's birthday. So I texted her back and told her that I know and that I am leaving the cemetery with my grandmother as I text this. Where is she? As always...no where to be found. I am not going to say that it doesnt bother me that she wasnt there. Or that she geographically lives the closest to me yet has never bothered to come see me since I have been back. Or that she never even bothers to call me. Bothered would be an understatement. Mind you...I am her only child. Who does that?
So guess who is eating crow? Yeah, you guessed it. And I am trying to be nice...because that is who I am...but boy if I dont just want to smack him one. He sat here the other day, almost in tears, talking about how badly he fucked up. You think?
I dont even know where to begin. This is almost unrecoverable to me. There is no way to just fix this and make it right again. He's planted a seed and its going to grow eventually. I pretend that nothing bothers me but it really does. I told him in the beginning that I can forgive anything but cheating. I know that makes me sound like a pushover. I can forgive someone without wanting to ever be with them again. Such is the case here. There are no hard feelings at all. We can be friends. I just dont see picking up where we left off like he thinks is going to happen. It doesnt work that way. Its funny that my money would have been on me to say or do something stupid to mess it all up. I really would have thought it would have been me.
Its so funny to me to see how much I have changed since I've been here. The old me wouldve been so hurt and wouldve loved to try to fix things and make it better again. The new me just doesnt care. Its not worth it to me to twist myself up inside with all of these doubts he has now put there. I just dont want to be that person anymore. Its just not healthy for me. And I know that I have to avoid unhealthy. Unhealthy doesnt work for me anymore. There are plenty of other people out there who wont need to change me to make themselves feel better. I am comfortable in my own skin for the first time ever and I'd like to keep it that way. No man will ever define that for me.