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Written at 12:53 p.m. on Thursday, Feb. 26, 2009

There are few things that will set me off nowadays...and messing with my healthcare is one of them. If I feel that they are threatened in any way...I am not responsible for how things pop off.

UGH! I am just at wits end over all of this healthcare BS. I dont have insurance at this time and I'm not really liking that. Everything that I do comes out of my pocket financially for the time being. So if its not deemed necessary at the time, I dont do it. So when my neurologist authorizes 6 refills in November, I dont understand why the authorizations didnt make it to Maryland with me and I have run out in February. Are they sitting somewhere in baggage claim in Long Beach airport and just didnt survive the trip? It makes no sense to me how my authorizations coincidentally run out when I leave California soil. (shakes head)

Aside from that, I think everything else is okay at the moment. I have taken a step back with the whole "M" thing. It is what it is. I dont push for anything...I just want to see what happens from here. He either sticks around or he doesnt. If he does...cool. If he doesnt...there are others waiting to take his place. He knows it too. He makes little comments about "the ex-boyfriend who is blowing up my phone." Which of course we know is Matt. Matt and I are close...probably closer than when we were together.

So anyway...I am fabulous and am not going to let some guy come along and pick me apart to the point that I look at myself differently. Not going to happen. Its not worth it...he's not worth it. But I have to admit that as of right now, he's doing a good job making ammends. Like the other day he mentioned pork tenderloin and potatoes and I said that it sounded good...guess what showed up at my house this morning and is in the crockpot right now? I have to give him props there...he does listen. I had mentioned last night that I forgot about taking the trash thing down to the end of the driveway for pick-up...guess who got it down there this morning minutes before the trashmen came? Yep, listens.

I really dont care what he ends up thinking about me in the long run. He can think that I am the fattest, ugliest girl in the world. That is his opinion and it doesnt change what I think about myself. There are plenty of other people out there that dont and wont think that. So I dont care what he thinks about me. Just because he may think it, doesnt make it true, right?

See...improvement here. I wouldve twisted myself all up to make it right. I remember with Matt when we first started dating I had insecurities about my weight...so I worked really hard to get it off hoping that would be the glue that held us together. 150 pounds later, it wasnt but I was feeling great about myself. 150 pound weightloss is nothing to snicker at...and if this putz cant see past a little excess skin as the result...he's the one missing out...not me. Nobody is going to twist me up like that again. Ever.

So I think that I am making alot of progress on this road of self-discovery out here. Its been an interesting journey so far. Cant wait to see where it goes.


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