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I'll get by just if you're going then darling, goodbye...goodbye...
Written at 7:51 a.m. on Wednesday, Mar. 04, 2009

I think that now I am truly pathetic. I am sitting here waiting for someone to sign on to their the next nine minutes...because I just dont know or understand where things are at right now.

The last time we talked was Sunday night at a little before midnight. He called from work like he does. We talked for a few until he had to make a call and said that he would call back in a few minutes. That hasnt happened. And to top it all off, he has been online and hasnt said anything either.

I just dont know which end is up. I just dont know what is going on. We've never gone this long without talking. And it really bothers me alot. Because it just isnt like him to be this distant. Perhaps it doesnt help that I am listening to two of the most depressing Cyndi Lauper songs. Yeah, not all of her songs are so Girls just wanna have fun-ish. And it sucks...but both of these songs are exactly how I feel right now at this very moment.

There is a part of me that thinks Trac...he's getting off work any minute now...and you'll hear from him...he will either call...or come walking in the front door...stop being like this. Then there is this other part of me that knows that something just doesnt feel right and I need to get ready and brace knees are going to hurt, because I'm about to fall again...and get ready to just brush it off like I normally do and pretend that this hasnt put another dent in my armor...when we all know too well that it has...a big one.

I just dont understand. We didnt have a fight or an argument or anything. I am hoping that this is just me being "crazy me" like I sometimes am. But I just dont know. Yesterday I couldve thought that it was just me...almost two days later though...I just dont know about. And if this is his way of "getting the job done", please just pull the bandaid off already. The silence is killing me and making it all that more difficult. Because its the not knowing that hurts the most. I hate this feeling.

Just the other day we were sitting here and I cant quite remember what we were talking about, but he said something about If I dont like'll know. So I am not sure where all of this is coming from. And I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm just not sure about any of it. I promised myself that I wasnt going to be that neurotic girl that I wanted so desperately to get away from. I didnt care for her that much. I wanted to come here and just...poof...not be like that anymore. I was getting better, I assure you. But I guess she was really there deep down after all.

I decided for shits and giggles to include the links to the two songs. very apropos...I hate this.

I Dont Want To Be Your Friend

I'm Gonna Be Strong