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Written at 6:46 p.m. on Sunday, Mar. 08, 2009

I have so much to say...a lot has happened within the last couple of days.

First things first..."M". Well, we were talking online for a little bit Wednesday night...finally. He was at work so we couldnt talk very long. Basically he said that he would be up tomorrow (Thursday) after he tans. Therefore I am thinking he is going to get off work at 8, tan, then come up. By 2:00 in the afternoon, almost 6 hours after he got off, I am in a total panic. I tried calling him on his cell...no answer. So I am here freaking out...totally. Then, out of freak'n nowhere, he just walks in the front door like nothing even happened or could possibly be wrong. He wanted to have dinner so I decided to wait to have "our talk". Finally we sat and talked about things. It was very hard to do. Basically, he said that he has been working 12-hour days to get extra money for his Florida trip and I am completely over-reacting. He pointed out that his phone hasnt exactly been ringing and that I dont call him either.

It was a good talk and we definately got everything out on the table. We needed this talk because things were only going to get worse without it. I just told him that I get a bit edgy when alot of time goes by and the lines of communication arent open. So he tells me that he isnt coming up Friday because he has some car issues to take care of and that he also has to go in to work early to cover someone else's shift. Which is ok...my friend Patt was coming down Friday anyway.

So...Patty. Patty is a girl that I met at summer camp when I was like 12 years old. We had been in and out of touch over the years. I was totally looking forward to seeing her. So when she came down on Friday, I was so ecited. It was weird seeing her. The last time I saw her was in 1994 at my father's funeral. 15 years have now passed.

She gets here about 4:00 and we're trying to figure out what to do for the night. Another "M", ironically the same name so we will call him Little "M" (because he is so much shorter) called so we invited him over to hang out and have some drinks. While we were waiting for her, we got to talking about Tom. I was showing her pictures when he had come out to California. The three of us were very close in high school. She even said, "I always knew he liked you...he followed you like a puppy dog." So she asked to call him. I was petrified, but she did. She asked him to come over and he said that he would on Saturday. Then they got off the phone. About 5 mins later I got an email from him..."I didnt think you wanted to talk to me." I just emailed him back and told him that despite everything he has done to me that I have no hard feelings and will always be his friend. So he said that he was going to come over tonight instead of tomorrow.

By the time he got here, "Little M" was already here. We all sat around playing some card game and drinking. The drinking was mostly me...Vodka/Cran and Rum & Coke. Finally Patty and "Little M" wanted food and decided to head to Wendy's. That gave Tom and I a chance to sit and talk. We went in to my bedroom and sat on my bed. Nothing happened...just a place to sit my drunk @$$. We were talking and he kept telling me that he loved me and was so sorry about how things went down. He kept holding me and telling me how much he still cares about me. I looked at him, tears streaming down my face and told him..."I loved you...I wouldve followed you anywhere. I came out here with the full intention of being with you and it didnt work out. If I can only be your friend, that is better than nothing. I'd rather have something than nothing." Then with all of the tears I had left, I told him how I still loved him too...and that noone will ever have as much love for him as I did. And maybe not today...or next year...or even in ten years...but one day when his kids all grow up and noone is there, he's going to hate himself for letting me go. I told him about "Big M" and how I am with him now. That something came out of me coming all the way out here. So we sat there getting everytning on the table talking and crying and hugging...and some kissing.

So Saturday, "Big M" calls in the morning and tells me that he is heading to his son's game and is going to go home and go to bed after that. And that he isnt sure if he's coming up today or tomorrow but will call me later. So Tom came back over to hang out with me and Patty. He was definately more friendly with me. He was talking about high school and when he came out to California. He told me that he loved me and kissed me every second that he could. He said that he wanted to hang out with us and also have his friend over. We thought that was a great idea. So he headed out to get some drinks and stop at his friend's house. While he was out, "Big M" called and said that he was on his way and that he would be here in 15 minutes. WTF? He's just showing up. So I called Tom and left him a message telling him about our change in plans. He was there when "Big M" showed up and we, all four of us, stood there talking for a bit. Tom went on and said that he was coming back...I blamed it all on Patty. So we went in and after a few minutes, "Big M" decided to go to bed. So I tried to call Tom...he wouldnt answer.

Finally at like 7 am he started texting me...Hey, I know you have a boyfriend but the thought of him kissing you in front of me made me about half sick. And there were about 5 other texts that came in saying that he wanted to talk to me and asked if he could come over one day or night this week. Which of course all of the texts had "Big M" asking who was "blowing up my phone all early in the morning." So I kinda told him what happened.

I love Tom. I love Tom alot. And I wasnt lieing when I told him that he will forever be the guy that all future guys are compared to. But I cant keep doing this song and dance with him...and doing this to myself. It just isnt right for either one of us.

The worst part of this is that this morning when "Big M" and I were, umm, fornicating...we had a little problem. It BROKE. So I immediately sent him to CVS for the Morning After Pill. Oh, my gawd. That was a huge ordeal. He had to come back for some more cash so I decided to drive him back...in my pj's...then he comes out to the car and tells me that they will only sell it to the person that will be taking it. Then he walked down to Rite-Aid and got it. So that is what is up for the next 12 hours...a few pills and alot of praying.

How could I be so stupid? I spend the weekend with some people from high school and I start thinking that I'm 16 years old and invincible all over again making ALL the wrong decisions. What is wrong with me.

Oh, and I have my final for my class due today and havent even started it. OMG! I need some serious help...mental help.

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