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I see police on that crooked I...doing 100 on Interstate 95
Written at 10:59 p.m. on Wednesday, Mar. 11, 2009

This has been an interesting week.

First, "Big M"...history. I just had to cut that one lose. He was "confused" and needed time to think about things with us. After a few days, he was still conflicted. So I had to pull my trusty Get out of jail free card and tell him that I am bailing. He wasnt doing anything but dragging his feet...and dragging me along with him. No bueno. One of his texts said something about Maybe I'm just jaded. Not sure what that has to do with me.

He still sends me text messages asking how my day went...or tellimg me what side of my driveway my trash bin goes because I've never taken it out and today is the night that trash goes out. I am not sure how I feel about any communication with him. For some reason, either I am numb or I wasnt really in to him as much as I thought...because I am not really bothered by all of this.

Now, Tom. Not sure where to start there. I am so conflicted by everything happening with him. He is here like all the time. Dont get me wrong, I enjoy his company. Its just that he is married. That hasnt changed since he came out to California. And it twists me up a little more when he comes over here kissing all over me...or massaging my back...or being super nice. I feel like Jennifer Aniston in He's Just Not That Into You where she tells Ben Affleck Dont be nice to me unless you're going to marry me. Because he is just so sweet and good to me that it kills me that I cant be with this man. And I dont let him cross the line because he is married. Not happily, but married nonetheless. For the past two mornings he has come over at about 6 in the morning, because I've had interviews and doctor appointments, to bring me coffee and donuts. And tonight he bought and awesome dinner for us. Right now he is sound asleep on my sofa. Did his wife kick him out and I didnt hear about this? I just cannot believe that she is not blowing up his phones wondering where he could be at after midnight on a Wednesday.

One of the things that he keeps bringing up is "Big M". His words...With "Little M", he's annoying but harmless..."Big M" scares me a little bit like he has anger problems...I'd feel better if you had a gun living out here in the middle of NOWHERE alone...noone would ever hear you screaming. Not sure exactly where that is coming from. I think the best thing for everyone is for me not to have access to firearms. (Kidding) He also is perplexed by my relationship in general with "Big M". He says he just doesnt see me with him and says that he just isnt my type. Whatever. I am wondering how he thinks he knows this.

Today I also had my infusion therapy. It was such a nice country ride out there. Open roads and fields that go on forever. And the fact that it was so sunny and warm just made it breathtaking. I am really getting into this place. Just so different than California. I have to be careful on these backroads. I caught myself doing 65 in a 40-45. I do not need to get a ticket out here...but its just so hard not to fly on those backroads. There's never really anybody driving on them...but just like Hazzard County, I could see Roscoe P. Coltrane just waiting to pull me over as he is sitting beside a cornfield so I cant see him until he's already got me.

Oh, also I had two job interviews yesterday. One of the jobs I am very interested in. I would be making the same amount as I did in California...which would be alot here. Benefits start around 30 days depending on the day that your 1st say falls on. So I am going to cross my fingers. The other one I just dont know about. Its not alot of money...and there is some lifting and alot of walking. So I am skeptical...but its a paycheck, ya know.

So thats been my little life for the past couple of days.

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