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Written at 5:10 p.m. on Saturday, Mar. 21, 2009

I am finally home now and able to just sit here and do what I want...at whatever pace that I want.

Last night at 11:30pm "New Mike" finally got off work and called me. He said that he was going home and asked me if I wanted to come over. With not much hesitation I got dressed and headed out. He is about an hour away. But he is totally worth the time to drive out there to see.

I really enjoy spending time with him. I like the way that he talks to me. We explain things alot. Why we do or dont do something, what made us think a certain thing, how we came about the conclusion of something. I like that. He is all about talking about things and figuring something out.

By the time I got to his house last night it was a little past 1 am. He even called while I was driving to make sure I was ok since I was running a little behind. I thought that was cute. The other day as we were laying there he said something that I have heard before and dont know how to take being as it came from him. "Big Mike" even said it when we first met. I could really get used to this. I wish I have a nickel for every time I heard that.

I give "New Mike" the benefit of the doubt on alot of things. Afterall, he is still "new" to this...new to me. He is so sweet. So very sweet. And have I mentioned exactly how hot he is. Smoking. I think he looks like Sean Astin...minus the hobbitt get-up. He is built better than him though. I told him this morning that he has legs of steel and that I wouldnt want to be kicked by him. His calves quite possibly could be the size of my head. He plays soccer and I'd hate to be that ball.

I did have a bit of an uncomfortable moment with him this morning and am still waiting to talk this one off. I know I cant do that with everyone, but at least he didnt just throw his arms up and walk away altogether. This morning as we were laying there, he started talking about needing to get in the shower to head out to work. I told him that I was going to need him when it came time to leave his house. As always I used the "ole sprained ankle" bit when I got there. So this morning he said I shuld try walking down the grass. I said that it wasnt that easy...that I have a balance and coordination problem. After dodging his questions I finally came out with it and told him what's up. Really, I just wasnt going to get out of the house without his arm to hold on to. Let me set the scene. His sidewalk into his door is about 5 steps, very long steps inclined high, with no railing. I was going to take a digger without him. He seemed okay when I told him.

So when we were leaving and I was holding on to him walking down the stairs he was talking about something. It almost sounded like complaining to me. When he said I dont understand I just snapped. All I could say was I dont know how to get you to understand it and walked to my car. We barely said goodbye. I saw him put some things into his car and tell me he'd call me later...so I assumed, my first mistake, that this was the kiss-off part of the morning and just walked on to my car. About 10 minutes later, he called and was making sure I got out okay and was seeing where I was at. You just walked away from me and when I looked up you were gone...what happened? I just told him that he seemed annoyed so I went ahead and walked to my car. He said that he was almost to work and was about to tell me that he'd call me when he got off but said he'd call in between something(?) instead.

I just get so twisted when I have to deal with this...disease...at all. I never know how people are going to react or what they are going to think. I just figure that anyone who is remotely going to get close to me is going to need to know and the sooner the better. What it somes down to is this...I get frustrated with myself enough for the things that this has taken away from me and are now out of my control. And when it seems like someone is getting frustrated with me because of something, I just dont know how to react. I get upset with myself enough that anyone else's negativity overwhelms me and puts me on the defense. I cant help it. I know that he is the kind of person who likes to talk about things and smooth things over right away when they happen...so I am hoping that this will be no different. I need him to understand that this comes with me...all the time, everytime. I cant leave this disease at home with a babysitter to go out for a normal night...not ever.

Of course when I get home there is an instant message waiting from "Big Mike". This must be one hot date. When I told him I was going out he mentioned calling him when I got home. So at 7:57am after not hearing from me, he assumed I was still out. He called a little later and we talked about things...mildly. Of course he threw in the I care about you part. Oh he cares about me...just not enough to know that he wants to be with me. He said that he misses me and would like to come up here and take me out soon.

Perhaps I am just running on fumes and need a little sleep to regroup my brain again. I'm not sure...but either way, a little sleep cant hurt. I will have a better understanding of things after I talk with "New Mike" tonight.

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