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There's always another wound to discover...there's always something more you wish he'd say...
Written at 11:53 p.m. on Sunday, Mar. 22, 2009

This weekend has actually gone by pretty quickly. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about this. I mean, its been an okay weekend and all.

I didnt do much of anything Saturday. I did hear from "New Mike" around 3 am. To be honest, I was half asleep and probably didnt hear alot of what he said. He did say that he was hoping to be off work earlier...something about me coming over and how he told me the other day that I could come over saturday and Sunday...and something about me not being there in bed beside him when he got there. I do remember him saying something about me not wanting to come over because I cant get in or out of his house. I told him that wasnt true...that 9 out of 10 times I will come to his house when invited if it means that I can see him. I know that he is allergic to cats and is a little uncomfortable being here. I wouldnt exactly say that I am uncomfortable at his house...but the stairs there do scare me a little. I'd be ok if they either werent so inclined or if there was a railing to hold on to. Other than that, he has done nothing but make me comfortable in his home. I wish it were a little closer to my house...but nothing that I am too stressed over. I really enjoy being with him. I sent hims a text earlier...I just wanted to say hi and tell you that I was thinking about you...I hope you have a good day. That was almost 12 hours ago and I havent heard anything back. Morale of the story is...I suck at dating. Get me into the relationship and I'm golden. Its just the getting there part that I am extremely rusty at.

So my aunt came over for a little bit today. She had some things to drop off and wanted to hang some pictures up in my bedroom that fit my "celestial" theme. They are very pretty in there. Two big metal suns on both sides of my framed Van Gogh Starry Night picture. I feel more homey there every day.

So "Big Mike" called to see what I was doing. We talked for a few before I mentioned the stuff my aunt hung up and told him how pretty they were and that he had to see them Cool...I'll be there in about an hour...have you eaten...No?...Good.

When he showed up he had a big bad of crabs and some beer. Two ways to get to my stomache and my blood alcohol level. One of them was very successful in getting me back to square one with him. Confused and not knowing where I stand. He was quick to point out a mark on my neck apparently left behind by "New Mike" the other day. I honestly didnt know that it was there.

It was nice to sit here and enjoy my day joking around with him. I have missed his company these last few weeks. But to be completely honest...I am so much more into "New Mike" than I ever was with him. I just really, really like "New Mike" alot and have much more of a connection with him. and "New Mike" acts like someone who actually wants to be in my life. So as "Big Mike" left I told him I am not your 'friend with benefits' and Im not your F%*& buddy either. He seemed to want to pull away from me and walk out the door immediately. I just pretty much told him that we are both looking for different things and these things dont cross paths the way that they once did. I wish they did...but a big part of me is glad that they dont.

While he was here my uncle (my mom's twin brother) called and we talked for a while. He invited me over to his houe for Easter to meet my aunt's family. He really wants me to be a part of his life and wants our family to be close again. He mentioned how its probably no surprise to me but our family is very dysfunctional. Nope...been known that. No big secret there. When we went to hang up he said...I love you...get used to hearing that. I thought that was incredibly sweet. I told him that I'm really wanting to be a part of a family...and not the outsider in someone else's family like I have been for years. I want to be a part of a family that is my own family. I can start with building relationships individually with the people in my family. I did tell him that I wanted to talk to him or see him sometime this week. I'm not letting anyone slip away from me.

So here I am...happy about a lot of things...yet unsure about an equal amount. I hope I can talk to both Mike's tonight. I have alot of things that I want to say to both of them. We'll see. I am almost thinking I wont hear from either of them.