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and you like to stand in the line of fire just to show you can shoot straight from your hip...there must be a 1000 things you would die for, i can hardly think of two but not everything is better spoken aloud not when i'm talking to you...
Written at 3:47 p.m. on Wednesday, Mar. 25, 2009

I want just one good night of sleep. Just one fully rested night's sleep.

I woke up this morning at 2:28 am to the sound of my text message going off. It was "Big Mike" wanting to continue our previous conversation. I'm not sure why it was a day later...and after I had left him the message of what I felt with very clear closure between us. He was saying that it was because I had texted him and I explained that I didnt text him and up until 5 mins ago I was quietly and comfortably sleeping in my bed. Then of course he asked if I wanted someone to come cuddle with me. I thought it was hypothetical so I said yes. This is why I HATE text conversations. This just dragged, or re-dragged, everything back to the surface. I want to...but I cant...I'm going to...but I'm not...this complicates things...I care about you...I dont think you believe fact, I know you dont. WTF?

He just gets right in there and scrambles it all up for me. I think I've got it all figured out and that I have the upperhand...then he comes along with a low-blow to throw me off balance. So we agreed that its jut best if he goes home and I go back to bed. Best for everybody. I dont know what he wants or expects from me. Its just not clear to me. So I dont want anything. He asked me why I would want to be with him. I think WANTED is the operative word here. I told him that I used to (USED TO) want to be with him because he was (WAS) so good to me and I even used to (USED TO) doubt he was real because he treated me so good. Not sure what exactly happened...but he USED TO.

I also heard from Tom a little bit today. I get a little aggrevated when he starts sending me text messages about massages and things like that. I dont care what he says, he is a married man and the way he talks to me isnt very respectful to his wife. He mentioned coming over tonight and I just dodged that one. I am not sure who that guy that I had in California was, but he is neither the guy that I went to school with...or this guy.

So weirdest thing...tonight I got a call from "New Mike". Boy that took me as a surprise. He asked me if I have wondered where he has been for the last two days. He said that night on the phone with me, the strange sound I heard was his tired blowing which caused an accident. He genuinely seemed disturbed by the fact that I havent been frantically trying to reach him. I told him that I have been very worried. I just felt in my gut that something like this happened. I just felt it in my heart of hearts.

When he asked if I was concerned not hearing from him and why I didnt make a stronger effort to get a hold of him, I didnt know what to say. I mean, how do you tell a guy I didnt call because I am used to dating these tools that drop off the face of the earth and just stop I took your abrupt absence as another guy who just chose to stop calling me as a way of ending it...I'm really sorry that I didnt give you the benefit of the doubt or think any more highly of you than these typical tools...I apologize.

I just dont know how to explain him. He mentioned how when he doesnt know something and he'll say "I dont understand" for me to know its a way of telling me that he wants to learn more about me and get to know me better. He is like noone that I've ever known before.

He called back a little later and we had this very in depth conversation. I sometimes think that he thinks a little too much like me. He said it perfectly when he said that I sometimes give half answers to things and when I do that he is forced to use his imagination to get the answer and it isnt always the best answer. So he's asked that I'm a little more open and up front with him. He says that I told him that I shoot straight from the hip. but I havent been too much lately. And he's getting alot of red flags because of this. So we talked a lot about how each other things and processes things and why we think the way that we do. And its really helped make things more clear...for both of us.

He would mention a particular occasion that came to mind for him and I would instinctively get defensive and explain. He asked that I not say anything to try to justify anything and that I just be more conscious of what I do and try not to let it continue. I do see what I could be, most likely be, doing to give the wrong impression. I just think that we have such a good starting point and have clicked so well that I really want to see where this goes.

I really like him a lot. He's patient with me...and I need that.