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I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution...
Written at 6:33 p.m. on Monday, Mar. 30, 2009

I am not sure how many more of these days I can take. This has been an abnormally difficult day for me. One the grand scale, I accomplished alot and should feel better...however, without that final goal being reached I mine as well be at the starting point.

I cant stress it enough. I need a job. Really badly now. I feel like I am not making much headway out here. Een a month ago, I felt as much promise as I possibly could about everything. Now...I just feel defeated. Entirely. And I dont know how to make this feeling go away...or at least subside dormant for a while.

I feel like I am putting my ALL into getting a new life established out here and I do not want to give up on that. I dont like admitting defeat...on anything. But I feel like I am out of breath...and out of gas. There is nothing fueling this fire anymore. And I'm not going to say that I wasnt a little bothered by something when I was talking to my grandmother today. I was telling her how much I have been looking for a job and just trying to get the pieces to fit nicely togethere...and she said Maybe you should have planned better before you moved out here. Seriously? That was so not what I needed to hear right now. I needed encouragement.

I have made this huge change in my life. I remember sitting in that little apartment a few months ago and thinking ot myself Tracey...you are about to change your life entirely...and you'll be scared sometimes...but dont give up...if you can make this happen, then you can make anything happen. Now, I havent given up...but I am almost there. And I dont want to give up...but my saving is pretty non-existant now...and I have bills piling up that need my attention but I dont have the money to attend to them. I am so not sure what to do here. Did I make the wrong mistake?

I did get a call from Matt today. I know that "New Mike" doesnt understand my relationship with Matt, but its easy...I should hate him and maybe a small part of me spites him, but he really is one of the closest people in my life. I know it doesnt, or shouldnt, make a lot of sense...but to me it does. We've weathered so many storms in our 11 years of knowing each other that he's just become this facet in my life that just belongs there. It doesnt work without him for one reason or another. I will never want anything more than this. I will never want to be with him ever again. But not having him in my life at all just feels wrong.

So we talked for almost an hour today. About everything. "The Mikes"...Tom...the job stuff...the tax stuff...everything. As a boyfriend...he sucked...but as a friend, he is awesome. He has this way of coming along when I am at my lowest and pulling me out of whatever funk or hole that I've landed myself in to. And I really needed it today. Its always nice just to hear his voice.

I did tell my grandmother that I would come over tomorrow. I'm going to get up kinda early to take care of some stuff and then head over to her house. She is really wanting me to come over and go through the things that were my great-aunt's that I may want. I am sure there are a few things. I know that there is alot of jewelrey and things left behind. I know that I am her family and all...but it still feels odd going through sommeone's things even if they arent here anymore.

we'll see...

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