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Its raining in Baltimore, baby...but everything else is the same...
Written at 10:06 p.m. on Thursday, Apr. 02, 2009

Its still been raining here. Its been light rain...I love it. I have missed the spring season here. California just didnt have seasons...just hot...and hotter.

I spent most of yesterday with my uncle. He met me at a job place then we went to Dunkin' Donuts. We spent a few hours sitting there talking over coffee. Some things now make more sense to me. Mainly my strained relationship with my mother. It makes more sense...yet at the same time hurts me a little more now.

Tom came over for a little bit too. We sat talking. He was telling me that his boss does not believe him when he says that he comes over here, talks, hangs out...and nothing happens sexually between us. I guess when Tom showed him my picture, he said Tom was a better man than him then. I'm not about getting in his marriage at all. The thoughts and desires of being with him have faded. He's a good (BEST) friend and that is it.

Today wasnt anything all that special either. I woke up with a haedache and just wanted to sleep most of the morning. I ended up going to my aunt's work to give her my tax papers to fax ot my accountant back in California. At least there is a little money coming from that...hopefully.

Matt also called me tonight. He made me want to cry. He was calling to tell me that he has a package going out for me tomorrow. Its got a few things I am really looking forward to getting. He was also telling me that next week he is going to send me some money. He said that he knows that things are tight right now and that he knows how I am...I wont spend money on food because I am needing it for my doctor visits. I asked him why he wants to help me. He says its because I've helped him many of times in the past.

I understand why any new guy that I am dating would feel a little threatened by Matt. I get that. But like I've said before...he's a friend that I just cant get rid of. I need him in my life. After 11 years of being in it...he's a part of me now. I dont have any fantasies about getting back together. He doesnt work in that role. But just like Curt, these are people that I can call up any time and talk to. They've spent so many years with me that they just know me so well.

And speaking of guys that I'm dating..."New Mike". I'm not sure whats going on there. I would really like the chance to sit down and talk with him. I'm a little upset with him right now. Tuesday when I talked with him, I asked him when I can see him. He responded "maybe wednesday...or maybe friday". After he said that, he said that he had to let the dogs out and that he would try to call me back. I told him if he didnt, to please call me on wednesday. He didnt...abnd its getting pretty late tonight so I probably wont get a call tonight either.

I'm just at a place right now with him that I am not comfortable with. Its more about him and not really any focus is on me. We hang out at HIS house...on HIS schedule...doing what HE wants...talking when HE wants. And I am not okay with that. It needs to be about me a little. I know that his schedule is definately more full than mine. Its the communication that's not right. He doesnt call when he says that he's going to call. And we're always at his house which is a semi-long drive for me. We dont talk on the phone like we did. Right now, we dont talk on the phone at all. And he's my first choice on who to be with friday night...but if I leave it open for him without any word from him, then I might be sitting home alone when he either doesnt call or ends up not being able to do anything. Just talk to me...just keep me in the loop.

So I am wanting to talk with him about my concerns. And I'd like to do it over the phone...just in case the conversation doesnt go like I'd like it to and I end up having to drive an hour home in the middle of the night. Lets get on the same page here.

Some things just never change. I feel like I've made this entry a hundred times...

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Raining in Baltimore - Counting Crows

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