Are you breathing what I'm breathing...are your wishes the same as mine...
Written at 12:18 p.m. on Saturday, Apr. 04, 2009
So I just typed this entire entry out and lost it. It jsut vanished. Maybe the words werent meant to be put out there. So I'm a little upset about that right out of the gate. UGH!
I think its also about time that "New Mike" and I have a nice talk. He did finally call me last night around 9:00 while he was driving to his second job. We talked until he got there and he said that he'd call back. His phone was cutting in and out so I didnt hear the exact time frame he gave but I know that he gave one. I stayed up until almost 4 am. Mostly due to the amount of coffee that I had consumed, but whatever. Around midnight I decided I wasnt going to go down there even if he did want me to, but I wanted to talk with him anyway. We have a conversation that has been brewing for about a week now that I need to get out. Its just the uneasy feeling that I get when I am uncertain about things and questions are lingering.
Earlier in the conversation I brought up the woman that I share this house with. When he first came here that first night, he thought maybe he knew her. Last night he says It isnt her. I told her that I had a blind date and I think maybe it was the girl that she shares her house with and she said it wasnt. I'm not sure how I feel about the way that was phrased. He made it sound like someone he had, past tense, a date with...not someone that he's dating. Which opened up a whole other set of questions. Are we even dating here? Really...what is this?
Which brings me to the daing part of all of this. I'm not going to be his "Girl Friday". I knew from the beginning that he wasnt going to have a ton of extra time. Between two jobs, his son, the pool league, and the soccer thing...there just doesnt seem to be enough "Tracey time" left in there. I'm trying to be understanding about that, but its getting kind of old. I drive down there when he gets off work, we have enough time to have sex and then we go to sleep. Where is the dating in that? And I know that perhaps that is all the time that he has and I should be grateful that he is even wanting to give me that little bit of excess time that he has...but its becoming not enough for me anymore. I dont like the feeling that it leaves me with.
I feel like a koi fish. They are only going to get as big as their surrounding will let them get. I just feel like he's got me in this drinking glass and there is just not room for me to grow in here. I love spending time with him and all...but we arent going anywhere with this. And I just cant be stunted like this without the room for growth. I need a little more than this. Just more room to grow and see what happens.
I am also not liking the one-way street that this is going down. Becca thinks that its funny because its the complete opposite of "Big Mike". He came up here all the time, had a key and I never once saw his place. With "New Mike", aside from the first night and the day that he came here to shower, its always been me going down to his house. And the drive takes over an hour. I want someone who is able to give and take. It doesnt need to be completely 50 - 50...but at least give me a little effort on your part. Some kind of happy medium would be nice.
Somewhere along the way our communication just fizzled out. We were talking so well at one point...he even commented about how well "we clicked". We were communicating on the same level there in the beginning. We both knew where we stood and where this was going. He would call when he said that he would call...not a few days later. Somehow the plug got pulled and the connection was lost. And I dont blame it on anything other than timing and the fact that we couldnt have enough of it to make our surrounding larger to see what we could grow into.
A big part of me just wants to disappear and not have that talk. But thats not fair. I hate when guys do that crap to me. I would just hate to find out that he really is just not that into me afterall. And thats why the conncection became disconnected. But I've got to balls-to-the-wall. Its make or break time. Who knows. Either way, we really need to get it out there on the table and talk about it. It could be very good...or very bad. Either way, it defiantely needing to be done.
So that's my plan...