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Dont give up, you still have friends...dont give up, you're not beaten yet...
Written at 6:13 p.m. on Wednesday, Apr. 08, 2009

I feel so worn down lately. I sincerely hope that this is just one of life's little tests...and that I pass with flying colors. I have been trying so hard to get all of the pieces of my life to fit together...but the square peg round hole analogy is all that comes to mind.

I cant say that I dont feel a little let down right now. A few weeks ago I was offered someone's bonus. They offered it to me with a "no strings attached" disclosure. It fell through...and they fell off the face of the earth. I am not even going to go in to who it was. Lets just say that if I said who it was, I'd hear a bunch of Oh, Tracey...what did you expect...even I knew he was going to be like this.

I think the part that hurts the most is that I really gave this person the benefit of the doubt. This isnt the first, second...or even third...time that this person hasa truly cut me open and left me feeling so exposed. Another really shitty thing is that this is something that was wasnt something that I had asked for. And my feelings about that are...dont offer something if you cant deliver it. I asked this person OER AND OVER if they were DEFINATELY going to be able to do this for me. Oh, me...I can do this. So it kind of feels like a slap in the face that this person couldnt come to me...andjust fell of the radar. It is what it is.

It proves my theory even further...I cant rely on anyone but myself. If I have only me to count on, then I wont be let down like I do. I can count on me. It just sucks right now because I just cant count on me like I normally do. I dont have the means to make it myself right now. I do have an interview tomorrow and I am crossing every finger that this works out. It will be a long drive to and from every day...but I am ok with that if it means that I am able to take care of myself like I've become accustomed to. I really need this.

So I did talk with "New Mike" last night for a little bit. I dont think that we are after the same thing here. I think he also moves at a slower pace than I do. Which is okay, I guess. We talked about alot of things and, at least for me, alot more things make sense now. He pretty much said that his son is first priority, as well he should is next...and then between the pool league and soccer, he has a little bit of time here and there. It is a time thing mostly. He pretty much said this whole thing we have, whatever it is that you want to call it, is new and we are getting to know each other and as we spend more time together it will define what it is that we are going to become. I just dont understand where he gets this from. Its plainly obvious that he just doesnt have the time to really spend time together and get to know each other. Whatever. It is what it is. I feel like I've been saying that a lot lately.

I had my infusion therapy today. I wish I could say that it went well. I was left in a room alone for an extended period of time so I fell asleep. When I woke up I noticed that I had a pool of liquid around my arm. Its unclear whether it was actually medicine or saline solution. What is done is it makes no sense harping on it now. Nothing can be done about it. Lesson learned...stay awake and conscious of whats going on.

I told my grandmother that I would swingby her house tomorrow after my appointment on my way home. I know that she has been very depressed and lonely lately and I just wish that there was something that I could do to make her feel better. All that I can do is be there for her. I hope that it can be enough for right now.

I am waiting for my clothes to finish and then I am taking my butt to bed. I am exhausted. Its been a very long day today. I hope tomorrow brings a sigh of relief.