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And the pain will fade, I'll get back on my feet...its not the end of me, baby, my heart is still open...I'm bruised but not broken...
Written at 9:28 a.m. on Friday, Apr. 10, 2009

I'm going to get this all figured out...I will. I'm not the kind of person who just gives up and crumbles from defeat. It has never been my style. I just dont function that way. I almost dont know how to admit or accept defeat. If something, or a certain way, doesnt work...I move on to something else that might.

I will bend...but I absolutely refuse to break.

Things are finally starting to come together and fit nicely together. The past two days have been a major turning point for me. I had a phone interview with a company on Wednesday. I think it was so good that they skipped a couple of steps and got me in for their face-to-face interview before they normally would. So yesterday morning I got up and headed off to that. Its a little farther than I would like, but ya know what...you just gotta do what needs to be done sometimes. I cant worry about that. I just have to do what I can do. If that means I have to be up at 5am so that I can leave at 6am to be there at 8am...then that is just what is going to happen.

The interview went very well. All of the people there were very nice. The main guy that I was meeting with was exceptionally nice. He lived in California for many years, not far from where I lived, so it gave us a nice foundation to start from. Gave us something to connect with. He told me that he would like me to start on Monday. I dont think that they can possibly move that quickly...I have to wait until my background check comes through. You cant even find a speeding ticket in my background. Let alone any criminal activity. But they are a security company and eventually I will get a company car...so they HAVE to be certain that I am on the up and up.

After my inteview I met my aunt and uncle for lunch. It was so nice to be with them. They are both such a driving force in my life and continue to be that positive impact on me that keeps me forging ahead. If I start to feel overwhelmed and beaten down, they give me the encouragement that I need to brush it off and just keep going. Its hard to believe that this is my mother's twin brother because they are as opposite as night and day. While we were eating he tells me how I need to go see my grandmother...how he always wants to step in and be over-protective of me...but I really need to get up there today to see my grandmother. As I was geting out of his car, he says to me in this unclear way, Call me tonight if you should have a reason to want to call me...I'll be home. He was kind of smiling as he said it and I didnt know how to take it.

So I went straight to my grandmother's house after lunch. Thats where I realized what he meant by all of that. My grandmother tells me, I am clearing out Ellen's (her sister that just passed away) estate and am giving everyone their portion. And she handed me a check for a couple thousand dollars. I cant even put in to words how much that is going to help and it couldnt have happened at a better time. I have doctor appointments that I cant put off any more and this paying out of pocket is killing me. This check allows me to be comfortable and get my stuff in order while I am waiting for this job to ge started. I can stop holding my breath and just breathe...nice relaxing breaths. I can breathe easy for the moment...and a weight just got lifted off me. I am going to make it out here. I stumbled a little, well a lot, in the beginning...but I didnt fall.

Things are starting to make more sense to me every day. I need to get all of this figured out and get things moving around here. I cant just wait for them to happen. I need to be proactive now.

First thing...dating...done for now. I need to put my time and efforts on to something else right now...ME. I need to get me right before I can be right for someone else. And before someone can be right for me. And I might have standards that are hard to find in any one person...but thats ok. I dont need to settle for these wa-hoo's that I have been wasting my time on. I've got better things to waste my time on right now...again, ME.

I think my friend, Danielle might just be on to something there with the whole I'm not dating anyone, anytime soon thing. She foucuses her time on her and she's happy. She wont settle for less than what she's looking for.

Neither of the Mike's meet those standards. "Big Mike" lost me way back when he said what he said to me. I'm not perfect...but I feel good in my skin right now...dont take that away from me. "New Mike" doesnt have the time that I need...or require. I understand, and accept, the once a week thing. I cant get him to understand that a phone call every day, perhaps when he is driving, or a random text message arent very time consuming at all. These things are important as they are what gets you through the time between each Friday. And if cant even give me 10 minutes and 30 seconds a day, then its not worth it to me. I require and deserve that much. I dont think I'm asking for a lot here. Like the movie says (He's Just Not That In To You)...if a guy likes you, he'll find a way. He'll find the time for you.

Oh well...its MYtime now...

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