Leave me alone, get out of my face...I'm tired of love feeling so misplaced...time for you to go...cuz you know I'm better off on my own...
Written at 9:33 a.m. on Saturday, May. 02, 2009
I know that its been a while since I've written anything. I always have so much to say, but by the time that I get home and get on the computer...I've completely forgotten all that I wanted to say. Oh well.
I've been spending alot of time with my family lately. They help keep me grounded. They all have a different role in my life...and it just works.
I spent Thursday with my aunt. We went down to my other aunt and uncle's house for a visit. It was so nice just being there. It just felt so...familiar. They have lived in this house since I was a little girl. Its always so sad because everytime there is even a small family get together, I start missing my father and start thinking about how he is missing out on this experience. But I had a blast being there.
Last night I met my other aunt and uncle for dinner. This is my other side of the family. My mother's twin brother and his wife. We had dinner at the Olive Garden after work. These two just make me laugh so much. My uhncle has a sense of humor very similar to mine. He'll say something and I will just sit there thinking, That was totally something that I would have said. Perhaps its the twin thing. So he talked me in to meeting my aunt to go to church on Sunday. This should be an interesting experience. I havent been to church since I was in Middle School. So we'll see.
I spent quite a few hours on the phone with my friend Christian. In the beginning when I first started this, I referred to him as "Mr. Diamond". Just because he's just so prescious to me. He's going through some hard times right now and I wish that I could be there for him...instead we tlaked on the phone for a while. It was so nice. We laughed so much. We always did. We never missed a beat after all of this time.
I am a little upset with an instant message conversation that I had with "Big Mike" last night. He said something about seeing the way that I react when he leaves and he doesnt like it. He said that he thinks he causes me more heartache than anything, so he thinks its best that he leaves me alone. I told him that he shouldnt flatter himself and that I dont really feel anything with him. I know that he's talking about the last time that he came up here. Well if he wants to really pick it apart and disect it...I wanted him to leave because I didnt like the comment that he made to me about making him wait six hours before he could get laid. WTF? I couldnt wait for him to leave. SO this reaction he thinks he saw from me when he left was more of a relief than anything. I just cant seem to get him to understand that I want a friend. A FREAK'N FRIEND. I cant seem to get anyone to understand that. I want someone to hang out with and go do things...no sex attached.
I am getting so tired of all the bullshit that comes along with a male/female relationship. I have never had many girlfriends...just never did. So it only feels right to me to stick with whats worked in the past. I can plainly see that this doesnt work anymore. I had a similar conversation with "New Mike" when we first met. I am sick and tired of these BOYS that just want to have sex. I know that this is just a male characteristic and all. But when I'm up front with them and they understand and agree...stick to it. I dont want to be someone's friend with benefits. You want benefits? Call Blue Cross.
So I am not really saddened at the thought of cutting off things with "Big Mike". Its been a long time coming. He even said it last night...we always end up right back in bed. And I hate that. So if he cant be the friend that I need him to be...then its best that he does just go. No hard feelings...just go. I dont need this. I havent had feelings for him other than a friend for months...and he really shouldnt flatter himself so much. I really dont care about him like that. Its just nice to talk to him every one in a while and see how things are going with him. Now...I just really dont even care that much to even want to know. Again...he's making more out of something than there needs to be. And there just doesnt need to be. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~