Its like one step forward...and two steps back...
Written at 12:54 p.m. on Friday, May. 22, 2009
I give up!
I met a guy. Big shocker there, eh? No, we met with the clear understanding that we were going to be platonic...boundaries were set. Nowhere in the dictionary is the word "platonic" defined in any way relating to respect. So it was kind of shocking to get dis-respected by this guy and I wasnt even dating him. After all, I thought that was the pre-requesite. Damn.
So I met this guy. And he was so nice. I mean like really nice. You could really tell he cared like a good friend would. He never over-stepped the boundaries and was always very respectful. The first night, we went to his friends' house. Two older, gay guys. I had so much fun there. It was a long gravel driveway so he held my hand to make sure I would get down it okay. I thought that was cute. The next day on the phone, he was telling me how I was a "special" friend because I've been let in to his inner circle. Okay...nice...thank you much.
So this morning he calls me all butt-crack of dawn saying that I should get a shower and head over. Okay, perhaps not literally the butt-crack of dawn, but I was still in bed. We'll say 8:30. So I get in the shower and head over there. He was at the end of his drive-way when I pulled up. When I got there, he told me to pull into his neighbor's drive-way and park there. I got out of the car and we walked around to the back of the house, him holding my hand again, and we went to this place to sit that had this awesome country view...fields forever. We sat there talking for a while. Even after a while sitting in my car listening to music. I told him that I wanted Dunkin' Donuts. He mentioned that he hadnt showered yet, but wanted to take one. I told him to go showere, that I'd wait and then we'd go to get coffee. He said he'd be back in 10.
He finally comes out and we head to Dunkin' Donuts. As he's getting in my car, I notice that he has a pink hat one...yes, pink...pastel...and when he turns around, I see I Love Jesus on the front of it. Platonic, Tracey...you can get past that. So we went and had coffee and a muffin...it was nice. So afterward I say Ok, where to? as we're backing out. Your house he says. Now, I'm ok with this because we've already been to my house before. No worries. So we get there. We're talking and at one point I am putting a head-band on and he tells me You remind me of every girl that I've ever met...something about you looks like them. I am so not sure what he means by that. I am sure that I dont even want to know the answer. So I skirt around that...
After about 10-15 minutes his phone rings. And I can hear that its some girl...and he's giving her directions to the cross-street of my house...so that he can go meet her. Call me when you're on the (main street)...he says to her. He gets off and then looks at me with this "deer caugght in headlights" look. So I just plainly look at him and say Did you really have me wait for you while you showered, took you to Dunkin' Donuts AND paid, then brought you back here upon your request...just to have some girl pick you up? He looks at me and tells me that this isnt like the Mtv show Next. Whatever. So I said BYE...and he left.
Now...I knew that I was taking a chance right out of the gate just by him being of the male species. I knew everything was going to come down to a coin-toss. That it could go either way. But I mistakenly (and genuinely) thought that after the boundaries that we had set...and the fact that he continually verbalized them as a reminder...that I just might be safe. How very wrong and naive on my part.
I am thinking that I just dont need any new friends...period.
I am sick and tired of people like this. On our way to Dunkin' Donuts I got to thinking to myself about how he probably wont have money, just like he didnt the other night when we had dinner and I had to pay, and I just kept hearing Curt in my head telling me Do something genuinely nice for someone without being selfish or thinking about what you are going to get out of it. He had told me that in a conversation that we had right before I moved out here...and it has stuck with me ever since.
So then I do it...and still get stepped on as a thank-you.