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I am healing...and feeling...all of my scars...
Written at 2:06 p.m. on Wednesday, Jun. 03, 2009

Today has been one of those days that I just cant explain. Like something is wrong or needs to be taken care of, but there is nothing there. Just an uneasy feeling in general. Like I have anxiety over something, but there is not a source of it.

I need to get my house cleaned today. My aunt is coming over tomorrow to help me get my exercise bike put together. It was delivered yesterday. Oh, that was fun. UPS just left the box in my driveway and I had to figure out how to get a 75 lb box in my house. I just dragged it all the way in...and the straps kept sliding off. I am sure it made a pretty scene for any one of my neighbors.

The New Guy said that he would come over this weekend to put it together for me...but I dont feel like waiting. I want it now. And thats even IF he does it. I havent heard from him, text or call, since Monday. I know that there is a rational side of me that knows that he is working two jobs...but then there is this other side of me that thinks Would it have killed you to take 2 minutes out of your day to call? I hate it when these two sides just dont see eye to eye on things. Which they rarely do.

Its just that there is a part of me that is sick and tired of falling over and over I invent reasons to run before anyone can do that to me. Its pretty much a self-sabotage/self-fullfilling prophecy. If someone shows even the slightest indication of hurting me...I take off before they can do it and get me unexpectedly. Its one of the MANY reasons I am hesitant to start a relationship with anyone. Right now, all I really want to do is get this bike together, exercise more, work on me...and not worry about being with anyone. But thats way easier said than done. I do love having companionship...of the male kind. Just wish they could keep the man-pig part to themselves.

That guy called me yesterday. My "platonic" friend that bailed out on me a few weeks ago to go meet up with some other girl. He called out of the blue saying that he wanted to hang out this morning and go to his friends' house that we were at a few weeks ago. At first I didnt want to deal with him...then I was looking forward to going...then this morning he called and told me to go back to sleep because he was staying home.

I dont understand all...and I definately need more girlfriends. At one point in the conversation he was telling me about something he was picking up for me and when I asked him what he wanted for it, he said Sex under his breath. I pretended not to hear him and asked him to repeat himself and he just laughed it off. Another friend I was talking to today...I was telling him how its cold in here with the air on and how I dont have access to the thermostat because its upstairs in this house...and he just said You need someone to come keep you warm with hot lovin'...I volunteer. Why do some men think that they can get away with talking like this? I cant stand it. I mean, I just laugh and ignore it...but there are some guys who keep digging it deeper and deeper until I have to come right out and be as forward with them as they are. I hate it. I am so anti-men right now. and it not even solely any one guy that rubs me the wrong way...its basically all of them.

I really need to exercise and burn some of my frustrations away...