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The circus is falling...down on its knees...the bigtop is crumbling down...its raining in Baltimore 50 miles east...where you should be...but noone's around...I need a phone call...
Written at 7:43 p.m. on Wednesday, Jun. 03, 2009

Ok...its all good now. Whew!

I am so much better now. I got out for a little bit tonight. Brett, the guy who cancelled on me this morning, called as I was just about to get in the shower. He mentioned picking him up and going to the friends' house that we were going to go to this morning. I was all about that. I needed to get out of here and have human contact aside from the phone. OMG!

So I picked him up at some 7-11. The drive over was so was breathtakenly beautiful today. The weather was just right for this Goldilocks. Not too hot...not too cold.

His gay friends are always so nice to be around. One is in his fifties and the other in his forties...and I think they have been together for something like twenty years. Every other sentence is You're just a bitch to each other. It's rather entertaining to say the least. Now let me set the scene here because that furthers the entertainment factor. Its out in the country...waaaaaaaaaaaaaay out there...with a long gravel driveway...with a very old, almost shed-looking, house...with dogs running the yard...kinda all Sanford and Son-ish in general. SO when I get there and the older one comes out, the younger one says You remember Brett's friend, Tracey, right? And the older one says Yes, cute thing that just moved out from California...the one with Cerebral Palsy as he grabs my hand. The younger one quickly corrected him. And he gave me a hug and I could see he wanted a kiss too so I gave him one on the cheek. So he says Oh, you cant kiss me on the mouth? Ummmm, NO...I cant. Ewwww!

So we sat there with a few other people that they had over. They were all very nice people. We sat outside talking...and laughing. LOTS of both. I even got invited somewhere by one of the guys as he was leaving. I felt special until he said that it was his 21st birthday party. That saddens me deeply...either I am getting really old...or the younger ones are really starting to look older. We'll see....its like July 27th or something.

I must say that I was glad that Brett asked if I could drop him off at the carnival on my way home. That saved any further hanging out and all of the figuring out where to go and what to do. So I dropped him off and went home. I think he didnt really like what I said to him at one point in the night. I was sitting outside and it was getting cold, so I asked him if he could run to the car and grab my jacket. Well, he did...and when he walked back over with it, he laid it to cover a dog on the ground and half of my jacket was on the ground too. So I had to flare up a little about that. Why on earth would someone put a jacket that someone is going to be wearing on a dirty dog laying on the dirty ground? Obviously, they have a deathwish. Because the California snob side of me popped off from there. The older guy kind of gave me a hard time about that saying He cared enough about you to ask if you were cold and he went to the car and got you your jacket...then you give him a hard time about it. Well, I could see where this was going. I looked over at the older lady and asked if I was out of place being upset. She turned to the older guy and said Because she is a LADY...and you dont do that...put her jacket on a dog on the ground. Not that I needed her okay on it...I juat didnt want to be the girl making a big scene. Besides, everyone had been drinking...heavily...and starting to get sloppy.

Whatever. But since I dropped the Carnie off to meet the rest of his freak show, it gave me a chance to think about things on the drive home. Just being out of the house gave me a chance to clear my thoughts and think clearly about a few things. First thing...I need to set aside adequate time to not only exercise, but to get out of this house one way or another. It helps my sanity alot not thinking of this place as a psychiatric hopsital that I rarely leave from. Secondly, New guy (who we'll all Baldie, because he looks amazingly similar to Steve Wilkos) gets one last chance...ONE. I am going to text him tomorrow...let him know that I am going to pick up the microwave that I am going to give him from my grandmother's house on Friday. I am going to wait to hear back. If I dont...enough said on that topic. If I do, I am going to make sure that he's coming over Saturday. Again...if not...enough said. If he does...I am going to be as non-bitchy about it as I can and talk to him and explain that we've been seeing each other long enough now that the weekly call is not enough. While I do understand that he works two jobs and he at least gives me the entire weekend staying here, that I'd really like a phone call or two during the week. Not alot to ask for. And lastly, there is no defined committment with I am still free to see other people...and I will. Seeing other people gives me the opportunity to hang out with other people and get the hell out of this house throughout the week. Its nothing that I am going to go out of my way to talk to him about...but I'm not going to hide it if he should ask about it either. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

See what happens when I get out of brain starts functioning again.

Oh...and it really is raining here...thunder and lightening too. We're under severe storm advisory for a day or so. Should be fun.