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I'm Crayola crayon drawn on your wall...I'm Kurt Kobane karoke out of tune...
Written at 1:52 p.m. on Sunday, Jun. 28, 2009

I am having one of my, "Oh my gawd, Tracey...WTF!" kind of days today. I am just feeling weighted today.

Also, until I can figure out who my two little Baltimore and New Jersey readers are...we're back to nicknames, that's for sure. I need an outlet to vent and if it has to be marginally muted for a bit, well, so be it. I dont really care. Besides, I am sure that the person that I want to do the most talking about is probably reading this all ready. He's kind of computer-crafty like that. He did manage to find me on a couple of other places that took me by surprise. Whatever.

So today I went to church like I normally do with my aunt and her mother. They are definately two people that I am extremely lucky to know. Afterwards, we went to lunch at this little place in Downtown (MY CITY). It's the cutest little place. I had asked my aunt if she knew the guy at church who was sitting behind us that came in and sat alone for the entire time. She was joking about how I should look for him next week and invite him to sit with us. I told her it was ok...I was just curious. Is there something I dont know? Which got me thinking about someone...we'll just call him "Special K" for now.

I didnt get too in to details about it. I dont know what there really is to tell anyway. He's someone that I met over a month ago. We were hanging out one day and, well, he got a phone call to go pick someone up from the airport. I wasnt sure how to take that. So I just kind of shrugged it off and didnt think too much about it, or him, after that. He had invited me out a couple of times after that and I just blew it off. I didnt feel he was interested for one reason or another.

So we had been chatting on and off after all this and it somehow comes up one day on the phone about me not being interested and that he is just giving up. Wow...okay. Wasnt sure where that was coming from. So I went back over my message archive of our conversations and I cant say he didnt have just cause to be done. Here I was thinking he was the one being all difficult...nah, it was me. So we've been talking about things alot lately.

I just cant seem to put my finger on this guy though. He keeps telling me that he is happy that I am finally starting to open up to him. He has said some other things that make me think to myself, Ok, you know...this guy seems sweet and keeps telling you that he is serious and really just a nice guy...stop picking at it already. So I let a little more of that wall down. Just enough though.

So he comes over here yesterday and we hung out for a bit. It was nice. I guess what I'm trying to say here, but only talking in circles insead, is that I just cant seem to put my finger on this guy. There is this one side of me that thinks he is just a straight-up, nice kind of guy who has got his shit together...then there is this other side of me that thinks he just talks a good talk and is nothing more than a self-proclamed bachelor who is not looking for anyone and is happy living the single life. I am usually very good at reading people...this one, I havent a clue. And I hate it. Because I flip back and forth with it every time I see or talk to him. It drives me insane.

After lunch today, I decided that I needed some attention in the girly department...so I went to get a manicure and waxing and all that. Afterwards, I just wasnt ready to go back home yet so I went for a nice, long drive through the area I grew up in. It was a long enough drive that I had a lot of time to think about this weighted feeling I have had today. I am pretty sure I know where it's coming from too. It pretty much boils down to this...I am petrified that I cant find anything wrong with this guy...and I am going to like him...and he's just a really active guy (softball, golf, family, etc.)...and one day he's going to realize that I am just dead weight...and he'll leave me before I can find a reason to leave him first. I just cant find a reason.

So I am driving through my old stomping grounds where I grew up. Not much has changed. And I am thinking...and as I am driving up the main road there, I saw a side street and made a quick left. It took me back these little streets and I started recognizing some of it. Without much thought to it, I was feeling unsettled and driving around...and just like I did back in high school, I got to Josh's house as fast as I could. It was more subconscious than anything. I couldnt remember exactly how to get there though. I just kept having this feeling that I needed to get there...and that maybe, just maybe, him or one of his family members will be outside. I really need to find Josh. I know that his family still lives there. I even rememer the phone number. Its just about being brave enough to call it.

He's a big part of what is missing here. A huge part actually. There was nothing bad when Josh was around. He just had a way of making everything bad disappear for me. I will always remember that night that I had been arguing with my mom and step-father and needed to get out of the house. I met up with Josh and had been crying and telling him that they make me want to kill myself. So he took me down this windy road near his house in his Z-28 with the T-tops off. He floored the car and cut off the headlights and said You want to die...you really want to die...I hope this is what you want. After begging and pleading with him to stop, he finally pulled over. He told me that his intention was to scare me so bad that I would want to live. Crazy 16 year olds. But it makes sense. I think about that moment alot.

I didnt mean to go all over the board here. I just needed to get some things out and off my chest here.

Mission accomplished.

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