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Written at 10:17 a.m. on Monday, Jul. 06, 2009

I am thoroughly enjoying being back home...most of the time. I often fight conflicting feelings about it.

When people ask me why I left California...for Maryland...I just say family. I forget how small this place is. I have already been called out on it...twice. Apparently, Tom told people about a girl in California and people are capable of putting two and two together.

Yesterday I was talking with a friend from high school. When he asked and I told him family, he laughed and said Tracey, dont forget who you're talking to...I know you. He said that he knew about Tom coming out to California...from Tom. See they're friends. It gets a little more complicated than that. I cant stress enough...this place is small. I never liked that about this place.

It was so nice talking to this guy. We were talking about old times. One night, we were sitting at a playground at an elementary school. I remember we kissed. He asked me if I remembered the map of the US on the basketball court. I did. He told me I told you that I wanted to kiss you on every state. He also told me that he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend that night. That he got scared and didnt. That he always loved me and would love to try things now. I would love to believe this to be true. I really would, but I just dont.

See...this is what I'm thinking. One night a long time ago, we went to the school. Kissed on a map. He tried to get laid (which he adamantly denies) and didnt. We went home...seperately. Fifteen years later, he finds me on someone's Facebook...knows all about the Tom thing...saw my picture and thought You know, she was cute then...cuter now...lets see if I still have a shot. Because I know what I was in high school...and it wasnt good. I know how I was perceived in high school. I was cute...chubby cute...and all the guys were dating my friends...not me. The guys who usually talked to me were the ones looking to have a good time. I knew it then. So for him to say he had the biggest crush on me, and still does...well, I am not exactly paying full price for that. What he meant to say was I didnt want to date you had a bad reputation...but I would date you now. I can get on board with that.

Oh...and Gianna Razi...I got your Facebook friends request. It didnt let me add you. So, search my name and add me there.

And Angel...I am going to think about you today when I go to Trader Joe's. HOWEVER, the Trader Joe's in MD dont sell shiraz for me. So dont be too jealous that I have one here.