It defines us...ever reminding us that life never is more precious than this...
Written at 11:39 p.m. on Wednesday, Jul. 14, 2009
I can confidently say that if I were to die today...I would totally be okay with that. After the last 3 or 4 days that I've had...I have hit such a high that I'm good.
First...I have had an interesting last few days with "Maried Guy". He came over Friday and we hung out with a few other people at my house as a group. Patty came down for the weekend...I'll get to that later. Anyway, he took us out to lunch Saturday. I like to think that he wanted to take me...and asked her along to be polite since she was staying with me for the weekend. Then he came over Sunday. We hung out for a few hours. I have not crossed any lines...nor would I. But I am not going to lie...it was nice. It was nice that after 20 years, I could be in front of a guy that I had the biggest crush on once...and have him interested in ME. I wish I could effectively explain how much he meant to me at one point in time. One summer, my mom sent me away on a pre-college summer thing to UMBC...and he and I spoke on the phone everyday at 4:00 when he got off work and I got back to the dorms. Everything was about this guy. He was on the school tennis team...and everytime they had matches after school, I would sit there and watch him play. Its just nice to stand in front of him as a women on even playing field...instead of as a girl who is oblivious and naive to everything. Just a kind of vindicated feeling. Cant even fully explain it. As I said...I would never act on any feelings I did or still might have. Again, I am not going to lie here...if he calls me pretty green eyes or tells me I'm beautiful one more time...I might crack in half and die.
And then today...my phone rings and I answer it...and I hear Hey Tray (which kind of gave it away because only one person calls me Tray), its Josh. OMG! I wanted to cry...and I still think I might. I have been looking for him for thirteen years now. I have wanted nothing more than to hear his voice. Its felt like this major piece missing from me all this time has been found. We talked for about 45 mins. We really talked about so many different things. It was really like no time was even lost at all...not a beat skipped.
So between these two things...there is nothing in life that I really feel I could ask for. I have it.
Which brings me to Patty coming down. Wow! That was just all around interesting. I think she will forever be the same 16 yr old girl she was back then. She came up here wanting to rekindle something with her "big lost love"...and when hers only showed her limited interest...she got upset by my attention. She continually tried to steal the limelight any chance she got...but he didnt give it to her. Finally after a few drinks, she asked me I would love to go back and do it ALL over again...how about you? Ummm...no, thanks. I explained to her that I am comfortable with where my life is at this particular moment in time. To go back and do it again and make even a minor change...may result in a different outcome. I wouldnt want to take that chance. Well, Tracey...we dont all have perfect lives...maybe I am jealous of you...I'd switch with you in a heartbeat.