Its not too late...its never too late...
Written at 2:03 p.m. on Saturday, Aug. 01, 2009
I am not sure if I have the word that describes how I have been feeling lately...bipolar might work.
Its been so much back and forth lately that I just dont know. Overall, I am having fun and hanging with friends...and meeting new people. I cant really complain. Or at least, I shouldnt. There are just moments where things overwhelm me and carry me away sometimes. I try to steer around it...but I often find myself driving straight into it.
Yesterday, I foudn a video that I wanted to put on my Facebook of where I was living at in California. All I could do is sit here in tears asking myself What did you do? And then I get mad...at Tom...at myself...all over again. Because there is always someone asking me Why did you come back here...you were in California and came back here...what were you thinking? And I can only smile and say that I wanted to be here. I dont tell them the real reason. And the few people who really know why keep assuring me that something else spectacular is going to happen and its going to make it all worth it. I just dont see it now. Who knows...I may never see it. I just have to make the most out of today and not worry so much about tomorrow.
Deep down I dont think it has anything to do with Tom...or where I'm at...or who I'm with. I think its this constant feeling of You're sick and cant do what you did...you may never be the person that you were...understand this already. But giving in and giving up has never been of my nature. So I have to make the best out of this too, I guess. I just want to feel normal...and go where I want to go...and not worry about how hard it may or not be to get in and out somewhere. I just want to be normal...even if only for a day.
Tonight I am going with my best friend from high school, Danielle, out to dinner and a movie. I am sure its going to be a blast...yet all I can think about is that its a mall...and I dont do well at malls. But I am going to go and make the best of it. I did say that I wanted to spend more time with my girl friends.
Last night I had a friend over and we watched movies. "Married Guy", out of nowhere, started texting me. We texted for a few back and forth. He asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I didnt respond. What I really want, he cant give me. And I absolutely refuse to get myself in any situations there. I am trying to make better decisions about everything in my life and not get myself in situations that make things more difficult or harder. At 33, I am still learning. I'll get it down...someday.
Other than that, I dont really have much more to say. I do have plans for the next two days that should be fun. My cousin, Ashley is coming over for our usual "Shwasty Sunday". Which is just a fancy way of saying laundry...with friends...with some drinks. And on Monday, I am getting together with a guy that I have been talking to. He came down last week and hung out...and when I talked to him the other day, I mentioned him checking his schedule and leting me know when er can hang again...so last night he texted me, again out of nowhere, that Monday works for him.
So that's my story...~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~