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Seems like you've done this before...
Written at 9:21 a.m. on Sunday, Aug. 09, 2009

I totally swore that I wouldnt have any more entries like this...I just dont know. Its been a weird week.

Last Sunday, I was online and started talking with this guy. He was my age...and when he said that his sister went to my school and named a few people I knew...I knew that I had to talk to him. On the phone, he asked me Do you know so and so and when I said yes and that I knew her brother...he said I am the brother. It was a guy that I had grown up with in my neighborhood.

I ended up inviting him over and we sat around talking for hours. He asked me if I had remembered when we were 13 and had dated for about a week. And how I got interested in his cousin and broke up with him. And how he cried. And it genuinely made me sad. Primarily because I remember dating him and that, obviously, we broke up...but I dont remember much of the in-between's of it. I told him that I was sorry that I hurt him. I also told him that I dont know if he knew this, but that he was the very first guy that I kissed. I mean, really kissed. Aside from little pecks. So he tells me I was the first...and hopefully the last...and he leans in and kisses me again.

Aww, sweet...right.

Well, that was day 1...and somewhere between then and day 7 it shifted a little. We spent the majority of the week together. It was nice. Personally, I think that I allowed too much of my "Tracey-ness" to come out. And its something that I am trying very hard to bury and leave behind me. I think I now understand when "Big Mike" told me that when things start to get rocky, that he will pick apart all of my flaws. I understand that now...because that is just what I did. After a while, I started feeling like I was paying for everything...all of the I got annoyed when he was always hungry. Which he was ALWAYS hungry. One night I even talked about getting a shower together before dinner and he said After dinner...I dont want to delay dinner. Wow...I have tons of insecurities...but getting a guy to do anything sexual with me has NEVER been one of them. Never ever. So that kind of stung a little bit.

And aside from making food this HUGE issue between us...there was nothing wrong with "us". He was always so patient and understanding. My neighbors loved him. The guy said, right in front of him I hope this one sticks around...I like him. other thing...he is way country...and well, I am not. So when I put on music and hear repeatedly that this isnt his taste for music...I am thinking that this is still a democracy (or at the very best MY HOUSE) and we can listen to something he likes next. by country I am meaning the epitome of everything that makes "Corn County" so...umm, corny!?! And for an Orange County girl like me...that takes a little adjustment...on my end.

And here is where I could have used a little more patience on his end. We got up yesterday...way earlier than my internal rooster will allow...but the rooster outside said it would be a perfect time to go fishing. Well, I have never fished...but always wanted to try. This instead was a little creek out back of someone's house and he was catching crawlfish. I sat relaxing in the car. At one point, I was sitting in the car and another car pulled up. The woman got out and all I heard was My gawd...who does this. And I am not going to say that I wasnt embarrassed a little. It felt so backwoods to me. I just wasnt used to all this. I am used to going to the grocery store for any and all eating needs. Not someone's back yard.

I told him what the lady had said. And I immediately felt bad. Because really...he did nothing wrong here. So we got back to my house and he mentioned going to his house and cleaning up. From the very beginning he told me that his mother is a big drinker and that if he doesnt go in and clean it up...noone else there will. So he asked me if I really had my heart set on eating these and mentioned going there for a while. I asked him if we were still going to planned. He said yes and we agreed that he would call me and let me know what time he was coming back.

Well...he never did...

I guess in a way that I deserved it. I am just upset because before he left I could see that he was upset...and I told him If you dont want to go or arent going to come back...its up to you...I just ask that you tell me either way and not leave me sitting here waiting for you if you arent coming.

And that's the part that pisses me off.