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I cant finally breathe...suddenly alive...I can finally move...the world feels revived...
Written at 11:11 a.m. on Monday, Aug. 17, 2009

This has been an enlightening weekend for sure.

Saturday night was just too weird for me. I felt like I was getting hit emotionally on an every-hour-on-the- hour pattern. It was crazy.

First, I am on the internet while I had my friend Tammy on the phone. We have been looking for an old mutual friend that we grew up with. That's another story for another day. Anyway, the masochist that I am decided to search Matt's name. First thing back, big as shit, is his MySpace page. So I had to go peaking around a little. His status says In a relationship and there was a picture captioned Me and Megan. Now sitting here, it just popped in to my head that I know Megan...or at least OF her. So my neighbor came down and the pic was open so i told her the story. Then my neighbor says She is pregnant...look at her belly bump. Which he denies every phone call that he is even seeing anybody. I know its a lie though. Matt doesnt do the alone thing well. It just surprises me that having three kids with two different women already has taught him nothing. Oh well.

I cant say that didnt sting a little. Because I texted him So you've got ANOTHER one on the way, huh? And I havent heard back. I think its just that he had cheated on me with this girl...that's the only part that stings. I never want him back. But we do still keep each other there for a mental crutch. And that's not right anymore. I feel like despite both of us wanting to be friends and talk all the time, that there is inevitably a breaking point here where there is going to be a cut in our friendship. Its not healthy for either of us. Never was.

Then there was just a couple other little bullshit things after that that just compounded on everything. That night, this place just felt it was just the tiniest place on earth. I am not used to having this many little circles and frequency of paths crossed that it just sideswiped me that night.

Yesterday morning, I called my aunt in Pennsylvania. We were just chatting and I told her I would be up Monday to see everyone. You can come up today if you want...any time. That made sense to me. I needed to get out this tight enclosed space and nothing sounded better than being with my family to do it. Besides...there property is so big and gorgeous that I knew that it was going to be a great place to clear my head and sort things out.

Just happened that my friend, "Mr Obie" had called and I mentioned that I was going up there. He said he was jealous...so I asked him if he wanted to meet me at my house and go up there with me. So he did. And I am glad that he did. We had so much fun. It was all just so spontaneous. We planned to go up yesterday and hang for a few hours...but we just got back to my house this morning.

When we got there, Diane told me that she was making dinner and that we at least had to stay for that. So we helped her shuck some corn and cut up onions and peppers. We had some drinks and we had so much fun. We played with the kids. When it got dark, we got a fire going in the firepit. We made smores with the boys. At one point, "Mr Obie" took one of the boys to go collect more firewood. It was adorable. A little later in the evening, we were told we could stay the night if we wanted to. I mentioned that we could go whenever he told me to. He said he didnt have to leave here until 7 am the next day. So we decided to crash there for the night.

When everyone but the teenagers went in, we went and sat in the gazebo talking. It was nice. I could have stayed out there all night talking and listening to the frogs. The temperature was perfect to me. I loved it. When we finally headed in to get settled, it was about 1 am. We found in the living room a set of pajamas for me, a pair of shorts for him, two single size mattresses on the floor...and Diane sleeping on one of them. So we had to squeeze on one. Tight spacing there.

Diane had the baby monitor on in her mother's room. She's been staying up almost every night listening for her. She has been very sick in the middle of the night and needs assistance. I heard her calling a few times last night. Diane has this very mothering side of her. "Mr Obie" had asked me eailier in the evening about someone dieing there. I had forgot but when he was talking about it with Di, she had mentioned our Uncle Dee that lived there and had died of cancer on the property. He said that he had seen shadows of a person several times. He thought that it would sound extremely odd to me, but when Di had reminded me of Uncle Dee it all made sense.

Everyone was sure to tell us repeatedly that we needed to come back up again soon. So yeah, we got back this morning. He had to go in to work to check on things. I told him that he was more than welcome to come back today and hang out. Not sure if he will, but the invitation is extended.

I am going to clean things around the house for a little bit, take a shower and then take a long nap. I need it. Being someone who didnt get to bed until at least 3 am, it wasnt cool at 3 am to be woken by a 3 yr old handing you the remote asking you to fin The Incredible Hulk cartoon on tv...and then genuinely pissed that you couldnt find it. So yeah...LONG NAP.

But I did really need a day like that...it was perfect.

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