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And she says, "Oh, I cant take no more"...her tears like diamonds on the floor...her diamonds bring me down...because I cant help her now...she's down in it...tried her best and now she cant win it...its hard to see them on the ground...her diamond
Written at 10:03 a.m. on Thursday, Aug. 27, 2009

It saddens me that I had to go as far as to lock this up. I have never done that in the eight yeats that I have written here. But I had to. California was so BIG...Maryland is tiny. So when I see that someone in a neighboring city has taken an interest, I have to get a little concerned.

This place smothers me a little more every day with its space...or lack there of. I stumbled upon "SpecialK"'s Facebook the other day and saw a name on his friend's list and wondered why I knew that when I clicked it, it said that she and I have 18 friends in common. I went to school with her. Talking to the woman who lives upstairs last week, we were talking about her husband's job...turns out that he works with a guy I went to school with. In fact I knew this guy and his brother. Lost my virginity to the brother. And we were talking about "New Mike"...turns out that he used to date her roommate. Now mind you, this isnt the same city...not even the same county. "New Mike" is way on the other end of Maryland. That is only an hour away...that should say it all right there. MARYLAND IS FREAKIN' SMALL!!!

I have been stuck in permanent bitch mode for the past two days. I am still so sore about what happened the other day. If it wasnt about me being sick, then I would be completely fine with it all. I am so critical and hard on myself about it all already that I feel if someone else is being critical on top of it...I cant handle it. Because I aleady wear myself down on a daily basis with insecurities and negativity that I dont need anymore to go with it from an outside source.

Part of me still cant believe that he did what he did. I think that is just the lowest form of human substance that there is.

So yesterday I was talking with my friend, Danielle, about everything. We were talking about how I didnt know that he had definately purchased a plane ticket to California for me. I may have left a big part out of this. I was invited to go to California (ORANGE COUNTY...NO LESS...HOME) by this person. He had been telling me for months prior how much he liked me...and now how much he thought that we would "hit it off" on this trip. So anyway, yesterday I decided to call the airline to find out. I gave them my name, the dates, the flight number...and...well...there is a ticket there for me on Saturday and it's still good. He didnt cancel it. Some people are tellig me to go...some not to go. I do, but I dont.

My friend thinks its movie material. Plans are off...take the ticket...go have fun. How much fun can I have on a plane with him for 7+ hours. Yeah, he is still on my flights...both ways. I dont even want to see him. It might involve security a little if I do. Besides, just my luck Karma would come to get him and the plane might go down...taking ME with it. I dont want to be too close when it comes for him. But I do want to go back there.

So I was planning to go to Pennsylvania today for some family time. I really do need it. Only my family, and a few very close friends, know what I go through on a daily basis. So its nice to have a day that you can check your troubles at the door because your family doesnt have room for them. And they bring you in and recharge your mind, your soul...everything. Because they love you...flaws and all. And they always will.