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I wanna feel the car crash...I wanna feel it capsize...I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop...til I'm satisfied...
Written at on Thursday, Sept. 24, 2009

I feel like I have so much to say...but I need to start with this...

I am definately locking this back up. Not because I think someone is reading this that I know...but because I dont think that I need this much of my life to be made public. I need one part of me that is just me...and I can say what I want and not worry about who sees it. That has always prevented me from being 100% honest here before.

A few of you here feel like people that I have known forever. We've been here so long together that I cant imagine not coming here and reading what is going on with you and getting real feedback from you about what is going on with me. So I need that "steady". So the log-in and password that some of you already have is going to remain the same. So one day when you get here and its already have the password. I know there are a few of you that dont already have it...shoot me an email...leave me a note...say something in the Guestbook up top. I just know that someday very soon I am going to lock this back up.

I have had this weird experience in life and things have been getting a lot clearer for me. As to who I am and why I am the way that I am. How I need to let things in life go and why.

The other day I met someone that just has me thinking about things. To tell you the truth...we're just brutally honest with each other and it so freakishly works. There were just things that I know needed to go but hearing someone tell me straight out that its not working for me...well, that just puts things in perspective for me.

I met someone the other day that just WOWS me. He just hits me in this place that is just so familiar and comfortable and just so comfortable. Oh, wait...I already said that. I have just had an amazing past day or so. I will get to that later...gonna start with me first.

So I met someone and we're just starting to get comfortable with each other. And for some reason we have this comfort level that suprises us both. So when he left yesterday and I texted him that I had fun and was glad he came up...he texted back asking if he could come up again soon. OMG...yes! So we continued texting and he sent me one saying I can see myself spending some time with you, just please stop being so cynical. So it got me really thinking about things. He's really right...and I've kind of known it for quite some time now. I am a smart ass...and I am sarcastic. And I have this "I'm all up in your face and I've got your number so dont worry walls are up and I'm guarded" attitude. I've known it for years...Christian pointed it out to me almost ten years ago and told me to watch out or one day I'll end up bent and unable to get straight again. He was pretty dead-on.

I have always been the little fat friend. I always felt like my position in any crowd was to be the "funny one" because I needed a place and that's just where little fat girls went. And over time it became an annoying, sarcastic/bitter humor. And with this guy, I dont need to be that person...I'm the girl in the corner talking to the cute boy who is interested. I get to be me for once. So I dont see an issue

We talked about the weight last night. How I ALWAYS acknowledge it. He asked you think you'll ever get that big you think you'll ever get comfortable enough in a relationship again that it will ever come back. I thought I understood the question...partially. I just told him that I got to be a big girl by being comfortable and wasnt just comfort. And that I lost 150 lbs and I see how things changed...people look at you differently, talk to you differently. And no...I worked too hard to get where I am to ever slide back on that. And that truly, I will never feel comfortable enough in my skin that I wont push a little harder. The more fit I am...the better I feel emotionally and physically. So I dont see an issue there...what else you got for me?

He and I just have a way of calling each other out on their shit. I mean...even the corny shit makes sense. And corny shit is said...both me. And I was thinking this morning about toothbrushes in my bathroom. I have alot of toothbrushes here. I have Tom's toothbrush...and I have "Big Mike"'s toothbrush. I also had an unopened one that I was planning on taking to California last month on my trip. Oddly enough, yesterday he asked me if I happened to have another toothbrush. So yes, there is another toothbrush here. But today, after I cleaned out the catboxes, I went in the bathroom and threw Tom and Mike's in the bag with the dirty cat litter.

I've been saying this since day one. I need to let go of old crap so that I can start something new. I found the happy medium there...kind of live like that little girl with life so new and a clean slate...but remember that woman that has a history of being hurt and what those lessons have in the new of the present but remember the lessons of the past. I can do that. I can do that.

I know that I jump on here after every good date swearing that I have met the man of my dreams. I am not saying that here. I am saying that I have met someone that interests me...greatly...and I would like to see where it goes. It may be more of a friendship thing...that is just how life goes. But I am just going to wait and see where it goes. It is what it is. I told him last night...I walk beside you...I dont go any faster or slower than you...I go in pace with you.

Because I know that I have a way of getting carried away and diving in head first...usually in an empty pool...and he's been really hurt in the past we're taking things in stride. We talk to each other with a hope for the future...without putting too much into it. Just enough to let the other person know that we're interested.

He's just really fun to hang out with and easy to get along with. That's really all I've been looking for all along anyway...