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You gotta swim...and swim when it hurts...the whole world is watching...you havent come this far to fall of the earth...
Written at 12:58 p.m. on Thursday, Oct. 01, 2009

Every day is this wonderful corner that I turn and something amazing is always around it. Perhaps not physically...but definately emotionally and mentally.

I havent been talking to that guy. It just hit a brick wall and fizzled out. No hard feelings...at least not on my part. I was definately able to learn a few things from the experience...so it cant be all bad...right?

I do have to admit that I am a little sad that I wont even have a friendship with Karl (that was his name). He is a very nice guy and I liked him alot. But part of growing up, at least for me, is having the ability to see the things that dont work for me. He did nothing wrong...it was all me and knowing where I want to go from here. And as much as I liked him and thought we had a lot in common, I thought he was almost too much like me. I understand how this dating thing is supposed to work...I really do. But he wasnt being honest enough with me for me to work with what I was given by him. I did get something out of all of this though. So lesson learned...moving on.

The weather is changing here. We are finally hitting Fall. It was always my favorite season and I didnt really have that in Southern California. Just summer...summer...and more summer. I love the colder weather. It makes me feel better on all levels. This morning, I got up and went to the store to get vanilla creamer for my coffee. It was so nice out...chilly, but not too chilly. It is bringing me out of my summer hibernation. Tonight I am meeting my friend for drinks and dinner. Tomorrow night I am meeting up with my best friend from high school and her daughter for dinner. And Saturday I am meeting up with a friend...we're going to get up early and get coffee to take to the resevoir so that we can sit by the water, drink and talk. Oh, and my cousin Ashley will probnably be coming over for our Shwasty Sunday ritual filled with laundry and drinks.

I cant give up on life. I feel like I did there for a while. And I cant do that. I moved here because my life was dull and I was alone and I wanted more. I have had the opportunity for alot more since I have been here...just have chosen not to take it until now. I'm not alone here. I have wonderful friends that I have grown up with who understand me and cant make sense out of it all.

Two nights ago, after arguing with Karl about something STUPID, I went over to "Little Mike"'s house. We sat at his dining room table playing Yatzee and talking about life and things. It was nice to get feedback from a guy that knows me pretty well and understands me. Mike and I are very good friends and I think that is all that there ever will be between us. I did end up spending the night there and sleeping in his bed with him...but it was totally clean and innocent. There were a few times that I questioned myself about even being there. A few times I was mid-sentence and he just leaned over and kissed me. I really dont want to go there with him.

My other friend Patty really wants me to meet her friend, Danny. She called me the other day and wanted me to call someone on 3-way. I didnt really question it and called. Turns out that it was her friend. He's been texting me and seems like a nice enough person. I just really think that I should be on my own ENTIRELY for the time being...not even talking to someone of interest right now. I am trying to get ME on the right track first. And I cant do that if I am trying to incorporate someone else in it all.

So I am going to stay as busy as I can and get things straight around here. And I cant do that with distractions. I have been thinking about what I need to do to get the ball rolling. While I was talking to the friend that I am meeting up with tomorrow, she told me about a company that is hiring for part-time work. Perfect...part-time is about all that I can handle right now. So I think that will be an interesting avenue for me to explore. I need to get out of here more...and a job gives me more money to work with. Thats win - win in my eyes.

It will all work out...it will.

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