Written at 2:27 a.m. on Wednesday, Nov. 25, 2009
Wow...49 days. I think that is the longest that I have went without updating EVER.
Anyway. Life is pretty interesting to say the least. I have been adjusting to things better than I thought I was for a while there. I thought I was going to crack there for a while. Guess that's what they call bottom.
So I found an old friend a while back. We've been seeing alot of each other lately. I think I was like 16 yrs old when we first met. He's pulling at places inside me that are still a little raw. What I hear from him, sounding all too familiar, is "I've been your friend since we were teenagers and I always looked after you and made sure you were ok...have i ever hurt you?" and "I had the biggest crush on you." Yeah, sounds like Tom. So he doesnt understand where this cynical side of me comes from. And he's almost as cynical as I am. Maybe even more. So we have a little bit of communication issues.
I almost dont even want to attempt a relationship with him. He's safer in the friend zone. I dont want another guy promising me the world while he's telling me "I never hurt you then...I am not going to do it now." Nope, not worth ruining a friendship. Which we had a wonderful friendship when we were younger. But I know that I am not that person anymore...far from it. That was lifetimes ago.
We had our first argument tonight...and that bothers me. Because we really do communicate on two different levels. Tonight was just a mess of miscommunication. He doesnt have a phone...so I either get to see him in person or we're talking online. I hate that. Sometimes I think he might be as screwed up as me. Like tonight, I felt like he was trying to give me an out and egging me on to take it. "I understand if this makes you want to run." Tonight we were talking online with our webcams...and he tells me "If you want to rethink it tonight I will understand...I promised that I would still be your friend...I can see it in your face." I dont get it.
So I just take it one day at a time with him.
Now...for the shocker. The other morning I got a phone call and when I looked at the caller id it said "MrSpecialK". It was a text to landline that said "I just wanted to say hi." Seriously?!?! This was the guy who left me days before our trip to California all freaked out because he saw a little side of this MS thing. That was two days ago. And today I got an email that he checked out my profile...it alerts me automatically. What could he possibly want. I texted him back the other day "Yep. Hi. So what's up?" On top of it, his profile now reads that he has children. He had been telling me from the beginning that he doesnt have children and its imperative that any woman he seriously dates wants children because he doesnt have any. Now all of the sudden he has them? Since September? I think I smell a liar. I dont really care either way. I just think its funny. I still wish he had fallen out of the plane on his (MY) trip to California. I have had alot of douchebag guys but none of them made me feel so bad about myself. But if it wasnt for him, I wouldnt have pushed myself to get in shape and kept it pushing. He was definately KING DOUCHEBAG...the ultimate tool.
Unfortunately, this is about all I have at the moment. Its 3 am here and I shouldve been asleep hours ago because I am supposed to be up early and over my aunt's house to help bake pumpkin cheesecakes for thanksgiving dinner. I think its going to be alot of me taking shots and watching.
Just a hunch.