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Written at 2:13 a.m. on Friday, Nov. 27, 2009

I think I did the most "adult" thing that I have done in a long time.

I went to Thanksgiving dinner at my family's house. I got to talking to two of my aunts by marriage. I was talking about the guy that I have been talking to. And about all the questions I have with him. He doesnt understand them. If you give me some excuse why I cant pick you up from or drop you off at your house...I am going to think you are hiding something. They think he's married and hiding a wife. So I came home tonight and wanted to talk to him about it.

He gets defensive because he thinks that since we have a past, I should know him. No...I knew him 16 rs ago...not now. Neither of us are who we were then. To think we are is naive. I wanted to talk to him about some things bothering me. Mind you this was online. So I told him...I am here because of someone who told me "Tracey, youve known me 16 yrs...and I have never let you down...and I never will." I left my home...a place I was mildly happy at...to get kicked in the face when I got here. And its been one tumble after another here...and I am bruised and bitter...beyond bitter. But I am trying to turn sour to sweet...because I ultimately think you have to taste some sour to appreciate the sweet when you get it. So I am gonna do me for once in my life...and I am gonna watch my back because no one else is watching it. And I care deeply for you and am interested to see where this oculd go...but I am going to protect myself and take a tiny step back. I still want to see you and date you and see what happens. I still want to see where this goes...but I am going to protect myself until your red flags go yellow then green. I want to continue to see you and date you...and see if things either work themselves out and make sense...or collapse and fall apart for us.

I think this was a very adult road to take. But it just got him angry and heated. I just got...Not one fucking time when you needed me years ago did I ever let you down...I was always there and never let you down. Along with the threat of if yu take one step back...dont be surprised if I take two. Thats not fair.

I am pretty sure that I didnt do anything wrong here. He just thinks that I am so used to dealing with douchebags that I am projecting it on him.

Plain and simple...he either helps me through these red flags I have with him...or he can walk away.

I am doing ME from now on. I've worried about everyone else for long enough now. Time for me to worry about me for once. And this "trust me because I tell you to trust me" doesnt hold water for me. You show me...you dont tell me.

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