Written at 1:08 p.m. on Monday, Dec. 07, 2009
One day I will figure out why it is that when I try to do something adult-ish...I feel like I am 16 yrs old all over again.
I was talking with "MrBlastfromthePast" (can't think of anything better at the moment) last night and told him that I think we should really just stay friends for right now. I just think it's the best way for the time being. I had yet another weekend go by that I didnt hear from him or anything. And some girl posted "Hey, sweetheart...Was really good seeing you again" to his Facebook wall. Which I need to point out that he removed it...that screams giulty. Now, the neurotic side of me isnt even going there because it involves thinking a million scenarios and explanations that could or couldn't be true...then this logical side of me thinks I don't really care who she is...it's the fact that someone got to hear from his this weekend. Because really, I honestly dont care who she is. It's not like that for me...it's just not there. Not with these doubts and questions still there. I won't allow myself to be...nope, not me, not this time. You're not going to hoodwink me. Note to self: abandon neurotic on the way and just listen to logical.
This is just the way that it has to be. I am working really hard to not be the way that I was and try to let go of that neurotic side of me...but boy, he grabs every little red flag and jut waves it in my face. And if I can clearly see that red flag...past experience shows me that I need to dodge it...DANGER, DANGER. So I told him just simply I just want to be your friend right now.
Simple. Not so much. Because as I am typing this conversation out with him, I am getting these mental images of him like Charlie Sheen in that one movie...oh, Platoon, I think...just all going through the woods with this crazy-ass look on his face. Because he mentally just not be all tied up tightly there. I mean, I think he has been thrugh just about the same, if not a smidge more, shit in his life. The difference is that he let it chip away a little more of him each time...and I won't let that happen. He pretty much told me that he'll be my friend...and nothing more...and he will say hi...and ask how I am...but nothing more. And that's just fine. You do what you need to do, right.
He kept bringing up alot of stuff from when we were teenagers. I am thinking that he doesn't have the fondest of memories of me. I think either I did something to him...or he thinks I did something to him. I am thinking, more than likely, it's the latter of the two. I just think he's an overly sensitive person who takes things very personally.
I was only telling him that we've been dating and dating is getting to know what works and what doesnt...there are a few things that dont work here. And that at any time one, or both, of us can at any time change our mind. He saw it as me not being able to be patient and how I clearly didnt care enough to wait. Seriously? I was knocking...he just chose not to let me in so I gave up. A guy I've known for 16 yrs...and I dont even slightly know where he lives after a few months...and he'd rather walk from Rite-aid in the rain rather than let me take him home...you are outta here. See...the logical side and the neurotic side met halfway on this one.
And that is how being an adult was born...