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Written at 6:05 p.m. on Saturday, Jan. 16, 2010

Wow...even in that short time alot has happened.

I am at one of those Tracey had a growth spurt in her voyage to adulthood moments. And as any growth spurt is...it hurt a little. Growing pains.

I had been spending a lot of time with "Rocky" these past few weeks. Something happened a few weeks ago that has me shaking my head. He started have really bad back pain, from previous surgery, and morphed in to this person that I cant tolerate. This nutcase.

I know that I am a bit spoiled sometimes and can be bossy...but whatever. I wasnt this time. He started saying that he wanted me to be there for him...but when I tried to be there, he would tell me he wanted to be alone...then turn around saying that I shouldve known to just come anyway. So are you mad that I listened to you...or that I didnt listen to you?

Today he tells me, VIA TEXT, that I hurt him. He wont get on the phone with me at all. Everything is text. Then I asked him what I can do to help him right now...he tells me to help him get more work. We were about to work on that before he went and drank a huge cup of crazy. That really is out of my control...I cant force that to happen. The he tells me that I dont understand pain...and because of that, I "dont get him." Hold up...rewind...did this fucktard just really tell ME that I dont understand pain? I have MS...I deal with pain on a daily freakin' basis. I dont say mine is better or worse than his...just different. Besides, everyone's measure of pain is different. I get that his surgery left him with pain that he has and will have to deal with forever.

So this really got me thinking about this guy and his character. While I want to be strong for this guy, I need to be strong for me too. And he's kinda trying to tear me down right now. He keeps saying that he is deep in depression. I get that...been there, done that. I get it. But I am trying to help him, but I cant let him bring me down with him. He is attacking me every chance he gets. I'm controlling...too agressive...not aggressive enough. You name it. Moral of story....totally not worth the fall for me.

The measure of a man isnt how hard he will fight for you...it's how hard he will fight ALONG WITH you. And this guy doesnt seem like he comes wired with this. He's not fighting along with me at all...he's just out-right fighting WITH me. And if I really want someone to go to the depths with me through everything and be someone that I can count on if things get really bad...well, this surely isnt it. He's kind of proven that. He's not even wanting to try to pull himself out of whatever it is he's fallen in to. He's ok just giving up. I'm not giving up and falling in, and as a result me keeps wanting to pull me in.

So, this is where I am at. Not sure what really happened here. Just know that is isnt working for me. And I am getting tired of hearing from men how "spoiled and controlling I am" because of this or that. Joe called me that when I said that I wasnt going to be dating some guy that I've known 20 years, and am dating who wont at least SHOW me where they live. Dating. Funny word. It, bottom-lined, is the period of time you spend with someone new and figure out how each other works, if you're on the same page, just get to know them...and during this time you are to decide if you want to continue things because they are going good...or end them because they arent. One or both persons reserves the right, at any time and for any reason, to pull the emergency break and asked to be let off. That is not being controlling...its dating. Gotta love the double-standards that come with it.

So that is where I'm at. I'm not going out of my way to contact him. And I havent heard from him since this morning. If I do, I am just going to tell him that this isnt working for me anymore. I feel bad, but I cant do it this time. I am not going to go down with the ship...not me, not this time.

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