But you dont have to call anymore...I wont pick up the phone...this is the last straw...dont want to hurt anymore...
Written at 11:00 p.m. on Thursday, Jan. 28, 2010
Today has just left this really sour feeling in my stomach.
I finally hit this breaking point of sorts with "Rocky". I just cant take it anymore. And I have been telling him for WEEKS that this just isnt working for me anymore. He wont get on the phone with me...he only texts me. He says he loves me, in texts...but how can you love someone that you rarely see or talk to? And he tells me about his depression and his physical pain...and how I need to be there for him. How can you be there for someone when they wont let you "be there" for them? And alot gets pinned back on me. He has this tendancy to say mean, hurtful things when he is in pain. And I try to shrug this off as a He's just in alot of pain and you know that this isn't him kind of thing. But a person can only take so much before they find their last straw. So Monday, I just sent him a text I give in...I give up...I'm out...Good luck. It was getting to the point of disrespectful. We would have plans...before he would at least cancel them...now he doesnt even acknowledge them. He wouldnt call to cancel...he would just text like we didnt even have any.
I just hit that point...where I cant tolerate this any more. That was Tuesday...so today (Thursday) he texts me today talking about how he wants to come over. Which ended in him not. Shocker. After a few texts back and forth, he tells me that he has been pushing me away because I am moving too fast and talking about moving in. I think he may be delusional. I have been telling him for some time now that I could never live at his place and that MAYBE if things are good we can look for a place in August...because he is the one who has been asking me. He has been the one pushing things since the beginning...I'm just the kind of person that wont be pushed any faster than I want to move.
I left my house after all this and went to go see my grandmother. She and I act more like mother and daughter than my own mother. I just needed to be around someone thats known me forever. I felt like I was starting to go crazy there. I started second guessing myself and wondering if he is right and I am not the crazy one here. I was talking to my grandmother about this. He thinks that I am spoiled ROTTEN to the very core and that I have to always get what I want. What he doesnt realize is that I was always the kind of person who didnt ask for much. Even as a kid...an only child. "Rocky" thought it spoiled if I would request certain things from the man that I am with. Damn right I do. If you make plans...acknowledge that we have plans. Dont have text conversations with me...if you want to talk, CALL. I dont think things like that are alot to ask. And the more I think about, I should be allowed to ask for these things...or any things for that matter. Why should I have to settle for something close to what I am looking for? Any regular girl would have seen a million deal-breakers in him. Just took me a while to see them...and he blames me for every one.
This was not healthy for me. He was just downright mean sometimes. Always blaming me for everything going wrong in his life. Like his work...I should be calling my friends or helping him in some way. I know that when youre selling something, rule #1 is that you believe in what youre selling. How could I believe in him fully...enough to bring my friends in to it?
I think the meanest thing for me was last Friday...I had taken him to the ER, again, and we had to stop at Walmart to fill his prescription. We had walked around there for a while and it wore me out. We were walking back to the car and he heard me take a deep breath...that's my way of saying to myself You're almost there...keep going...keep going. Next thing I know he is turning around and I hear What am I doing now...or what am I NOT doing now? Had nothing to do with him. So we get to the car and I am explaining the MS thing AGAIN...it's not you...I get tired...my body just isnt in synch with my head sometimes. Then out of nowhere he says Did it ever dawn on you that all of these douchebag guys who have hurt you and just walked away...that it wasnt your MS...that it was just you and how you are...and you use that as your excuse. I wanted to kick him out of the car right there...while we were moving.
It's things like that I have to remember...keep it in the forefront. With Matt, I used to remember the good times and it was the few good times that kept me there. If I had remembered the bad more, I wouldnt have wasted 6 years. So I am doing that with "Rocky"...thankfully there werent many "good times". All I need to remember is that ONE time he said to me that he was in pain and that I dont understand pain...clearly he doesnt know MS. I feel pain in every step, every movement...I just dont bitch about my pain every second like he does. Everyone's measure of pain is different. Walk in my shoes for a day and come talk to me. I am not saying mine is better or worse than his...different.