Written at 10:20 p.m. on Saturday, Apr. 03, 2010
I think that I have finally come to terms with accepting this as my life. No bells...no whistles...just this.
I have been spending a lot of time with my aunt and family there in Pennsylvania. This is my mother's sister who is 5 years older than me. Anyway, I have been spending some time up there lately. Something just always drew me to her. We really should have been sisters. Last year at a funeral, I was talking to an uncle about her...and he said, "You know she's got that part of our grandfather in her that feels like she has to take people in and fix them up." All I could do was a chuckle a little bit and think to myself, it's called Wounded-bird syndrome."
So one night after my big mess with Big Guy, she found me on Facebook and asked when I was coming up to see her? So I went up the next day. This guy is living there...this guy that has been in our family without actually being family. He is about 7 years older than me. Anyway, we've been talking and hanging out a lot. Nice guy. That;s where that ends.
The first day that I saw him, he was polite and nice...kinda reminded me of the person I remembered when I was younger. There was this part of me that sent my Wounded-bird Syndrome into over-drive...I think. I knew he was going through some shit...and I was going through some shit too...but whatever. I told him from the jump...I dont want a boyfriend...I just want someone fun to hang out with and go places...no friends with benefits...just friends. Simple.
Well this guy is a conundrum, wrapped in an enigma, tied with a riddle.
I started thinking something may be going awry when he called one night "to say goodnight." And started using "we" a little. I hate "we"...who is "we"..."we" arent French! Then the other night we decided to hang out at my house. Very bad idea.
He starts telling me a bunch of different things. What I took out of the things that he said was...He talked to someone we know and told him that he's been hanging out with me and maybe sees something there. I guess this person said I was very intelligent...but with that came the ability to manipulate...it's a female trait in my family. Whatever.
Let me point out...when I was younger...I thought this guy was very good looking. I actually had a bigger crush on his younger brother...only because he was closer to my age. But this guy was hot nonetheless. Now...now he is this shell...and I cant tell what's in there because I get these different flickers of who he might be. I just think he is this lost soul...so very, very lost. And its a crying shame. Breaks my heart.
I know that my family probably thinks that since he has spent a night or two here, that there is something physical going on between us. Not even.
He drinks alot. I mean alot. Way more than Matt ever did. And sometimes he gets sloppy drunk. So I almost have to deal with him like a child at times. It's all about boundaries. And there is nothing attractive about any of that. He is uber-sweet when he wants to be. But really...I am done with the Wounded-bird Syndrome. It's one thing to care about someone...it is another to care so much it drains you. And I could see those flickers of at least trying. Delete...Recycle-bin...Double-delete. I am not going there again with anyone...ever.
That night he was over here, he asked me about my two relationships...so I showed him a pic of me with both of them. He says "Wow, really good looking guys." So looking back over the mental images of all of the douchebags in my life, I couldnt seem to find a bad looking one out of them. I just have never dated any bad looking guys. And I am not going to start now. This guy is just a little too far gone for me. And I am better dodging those people with all their red flags now than I have been in the past.
Its sad because the longer that I am here, I try to fit in here because something I am doing is wrong and rubbing people the wrong way. In my attempt to fit in here and become more Baltimore than Orange County...I have lost a little of my Orange County. And it's Orange County that made me the person that I am. I almost feel in my effort to fit in, that I was slipping in to that person that I was 15 years or so ago. And I am not about to pick up where I left off here. I am going to be who I am...screw everyone who doesnt like it. I'm not rude...and I dont hurt people's feelings. Just a straight shooter. With that being said, anyone will always know what they are getting with me.
I need this. So I am going to focus on getting myself back to being active and healthy. For me...not to look good for someone else. I am putting my time and effort in to me right now. Every ounce that I've got. What's wrong is my outside doesnt match my inside. My inside is real hurt and wounded. I need to get this straight first. So I am going to be selfish for a while...not mean selfish. I am just going to put my time and energy back in to me right now. I almost never do things for me. I need to heal some things and get my mind in the right place. After that...the rest just falls in to place.
Here I go...