I've got ice in my veins, blood in my eyes, hate in my heart, love in my mind...I've seen nights full of pain, days of the same, you can keep the sunshine, save me the rain...I search but never find, hurt but never cry, I work and forever try, b
Written at 5:04 p.m. on Monday, May. 03, 2010
I am convinced that I am going to die tomorrow. I mean that in the most sarcastic way, really. I just got to this epihany moment today and it all kinda made sense. So hence, if I have everything figured out...it would only be irony at it;s best that I would die tomorrow. Isn't it ironic...dont ya think?
So...the thing that got me thinking today was just a random thought that popped into my head. If our alone time with ourselves is how we get to know ourselves...well, I must really know me because I have a lot of alone time. So I got thinking that I do know me. I think I know every little thing about me and how I work...how I run and operate, so to speak. I have micro-managed and (over-)analyzed every little thing about myself. I know what works for me. And it's time for me to go on with life in a way that works for me.
I think that after all of this...crap...what you really get is that I have turned in to this more-sour-than-sour, bitter ass person. Anyone within a fifty mile radius could feel it. Kinda bitter at what my life has become and how things turned out. I, really, once was this happy, social butterfly with a good life. You can even go back and read it here...the better part of the last ten years is here.
My point is that things changed. My timeline of events to get here make sense though. Going out and being happy...Matt...pulled away from my friends...insanity in our relationship...getting sicker...depression...tricked in to moving to Baltimore...PISSED OFF AT THE WORLD. Sure, there are other little things that happened in between...but these were the BIG ones.
And it all just made sense to me in that one thought today. These are the things that I know...
1. I am here now. California is this place that all I can do is look back at with immense fondness and awesome memories and think I used to live there...and it was cool times but I will never have all that back again no matter how hard I try. I am here...it's time to make more awesome memories.
2. I am doing as best as I can with regards to my health. I am keeping up with my monthly infusions and will hopefully be starting this new medication. (A pill...so stoked about that.) So knowing that I am doing my best has to be sufficient right now. Fuck everyone else who cant get that. I am not going to worry about what people think.
3. I have AMAZING friends and family that have been nothing but awesome. I need to feel safe when I am with people...mentally, physically, you name it. And I know which friends go in which categories now. So I am starting to go out more with certain friends that fit in that "safe" category. It's all about having healthy relationships with people.
4. All the rest is going to eventually fall in to place, too.
The other day I was listening to this song. And I was thinking about how I could have written this. Even though he is saying it with all that anger and hate...if you just listen to the words, it's everything that I think.
The happy girl is coming back. I refuse to live my life any other way.