All is lost within...but I'm not giving in...I will not bow...I will not break...I will shut the world away...I will not fall...I will not fade...I will take your breath away...
Written at 5:56 p.m. on Tuesday, Jun. 29, 2010
I havent been here since May? Hard to believe. I guess its because not alot is going on here at the moment. And that is not neccessarily a bad thing either. I like things simple.
This past week has taken me to bothend of the extremes...very happy and very sad.
About a month ago, I started a new pill. It was FABULOUS. I was surprised at how happy I was and good I was feeling. I kinda felt normal for a time there. Sometimes I allow myself to get fooled by Hope. She sneaks in and makes me think that things will be okay. But as always, as soon as I started to believe in her and trust her...she flipped the script on me. What goes up must come down, right.
The end of last week was hard. I hate feeling bad...and I hate anyone seeing me feel bad. This weather has just been killing me. I knew that would be an issue before I even moved here. The heat just sucks the life force right out of me. But I cant seem to give up Hope. Its like a really bad drug.
Last weekend I did the family thing. It was my cousin's surprise Birthday party. It was so good seeing everyone. I love my family so much. I would eternally be lost without them.
I hadnt seen most of them since Christmas. Of course, I heard the "you look great" from everyone. I never know if they say that because they mean it or if its for my benefit to keep me going. Maybe they are shocked that I am even still standing. I really wanted them to see the week before when I felt on top of the world...lately I feel like someone picked the world up and dropped it on my head.
But I dont give up. I just cant. There are already too many things I have given up in my past that I wonder what would have happened if I hadnt. I cant do that with this.
I hate to be bitching about this here...but there isnt a single person that I can bitch to about this. I put on a happy face all the time so that noone can really tell. I figure this is the better outlet. Noone wants to be around you if you bitch and complain all the time...but I have to get it out somewhere. Better here than anywhere else, I suppose. And I think not bitching about it to people helps me the most. The other day I was talking to my old friend/coworker/roommate and she told me, "I think youre so strong...you never complain about things and yet you have more to complain about than anyone I know." It helps me work harder sometimes. Because it makes me feel like I have people that will be let down if I fail. I cant trip and fall on this.
Other than that, I really dont have anything to complain about. Life is good.