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I am not calling for a second chance...I am screaming at the top of my voice...give me reason...but dont give me choice...cuz I'll just make the same mistakes again...
Written at 1:27 p.m. on Monday, Aug. 02, 2010

I keep listening to this song over and over again. Its so what I am feeling at the moment. If you dont give me a choice then I wont be held accountable for it when it blows up...afterall, I didnt make the choice...you did.

I should be sitting here all happy and content...but this feeling of wrongness is eating me up. Because I feel the explosion building.

I have a friend, term used loosely, from middle school. We've been hanging out on the regular for quite a few months now. At least since the NBA finals. He has been unbelievably cool to hang out with. There has been no awkwardness or anything. A few times, the next day I would get a text that was cute and sweet. You miss are very attractive and you make it hard for someone to be a gentleman around you was one of my fav's. He is just an all around decent person.

Not exactly sure what my problem is here. We hung out together last night til the weeeeeee hours. It was nice as always. I have to put out there that nothing has EVER physically happened between us. I had only hugged him...up until last night.

My moral dilema is on so many levels here. I wouldnt even know where to begin on that. But anyway...it is what it is. Cant take that back now. One of my bigger dilemas is that I cant seem to get this part right. I can do the before this happens part well...but it's the after that trips me up every time. We both kinda agreed that nothing is going to change. But I cant help feeling that something did. And what it is mostly my inability to fully let go of my control of things and just see what happens. I have never been that kind of person. But I just have to ride this one out and see where it takes me. I am either going to smoothly ride that wave into the sand with grace...or go crashing into the side of a cliff with the force of a tsunami. Good or bad!

And I just adore this guy. He is so nice and sweet beyond words. Nothing would do him justice. Maybe I am putting him up high on a pedestal...but this guy...he kind of deserves it. At least in my eyes. I told him if nothing else I want to always be his friend. I told him I was going to still email him...and he said I was going to still meet him for lunch. He would tell me at various part of the night that I should trust him. I think I am. More than he knows.

We'll see how this goes. I am just going to ride this wave out and see.


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