Written at 11:41 p.m. on Sunday, Aug. 22, 2010
I just want to bang my head against something hard and sharp. I am not sure how many more times its going to take me before I realize that I am just better off alone. Because I wholeheartedly think that I am. My life is so much easier when I have only myself to think about.
Things with "TheMan" had gotten REALLY good there for a while and just took a dive this weekend. I have been a little dramatic and emtional this weekend. Thankfully he has seen none of any of it.
I just feel horrible about everything. There isnt any part of it that feels right or good any more. What did I think I was going to get out of this? Truth is he is married. He said they were going through a seperation and werent together. I think because I wanted so badly to believe him, that I actually did. He hasnt done anything wrong, even now. The problem is with me. I have been afraid to ask too many questions that I havent really asked any. Mostly because I have just been taking him at his word. Which past experience has proven to me to never be a good thing with people.
Friday I went down and took him out to lunch. Saturday I picked him up from work because he needed a ride. Both days we had talked about getting together today...then today comes and he's working on his brother's dirt bike. WTF? He still didnt say we werent going to get together. He just said he would email me later and let me know what's up. So I emailed him back and innocently asked how it was looking...and that I didnt want to sit here and pass up other plans if he thought the chances of getting together werent good. He just told me to go ahead with any plans and if I could meet up with him later, cool...and if not we would get another time really soon. Either way, that was five hours ago.
He, and ALL of my friends, play into every neurotic thought I could ever have. He doesnt understand that he doesnt tell enough of a story and leaves little blanks...and as neurotic as I am, I fill in the blanks with the worst case scenario. I cant really help it. Then there are ALL of my friends who tell me I am getting played like a 6-string. They make me feel the worst sometimes. I get that they're trying to protect me.
I dont want to be like this. I dont want to be IN this. I am too broken to deal with this. I am way too damaged for all of this. I dont have it in me anymore. I truly thought that he was different...or at least I wanted to believe that he was. Who knows? I really was looking forward to seeing him tonight so that I could sit down with him and talk to him. I wanted to be the bigger person and not just vanish on him. But that is all that I want to do right now. Just run. And not look back.
I am so angry with myself for even letting myself get involved with this. Totally not good for me...at all. He may have been straight up from the beginning...hard to tell now. But its not worth it from here. Was fun while it lasted...but its time for me to go.