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Can you help me I'm so bent...I'm scared that I'll never get put back together...
Written at 7:36 p.m. on Saturday, Oct. 23, 2010

I am here. Things must be bad.

It's just been a crappy week. Really crappy. I dont think I have had a week this bad since right before I left California. Wow!

First, my landlord said that I need to move. He didnt want pets here and made an exception and is now regretting it. Two years after I've been here?

So now I have the money issues again. Worrying about how I am going to pay for things. I slide by every month...just barely. I am comfortable...but no more, no less. Comfortable. Eek! I hate worrying about money. I have spent so many nights this week laying awake with all of this running through my head. It sucks!

So as I am looking for places, that are BARELY in my price range, most of them say one or two cats are ok. Well, I had just taken in this stray and got him all up to date on his shots and neutered and everything. Total loss. But whatever. So I put an ad in Craigslist for the kitten. So many people were responding. He is really cute though. So woman said she was from a no-kill shelter and takes in alot of cats and find them homes. So I asked her if she takes older cats and she said yes. So I asked her if she would take one of my older cats also. And she said yes. Ugh. So I took her the kitten older cat, Leo.

I have had this cat for 12 yrs. You just have no idea how hard that was for me to do. For as long as I can remember, he was there. I only lived in California for 15 yrs and 12 of them were with him. In 2000, when Curt and I split, Leo would lay with me and I would sleep with my head on him. He really is the best cat I've ever had. It's sad, but Pippin is just better on paper. She's younger, cleaner and has been declawed. Which on a sidenote, and for the record, I did not do to her. But anyway, she just sounds better to future propective landlords.

So, last night and tonight have been hard. It's just so quiet. I dont have Leo sneezing...or the kitten playing with those (usually) annoying balls with the bell in them. It's just me watching Pippin sleep in a chair while not making a sound. She is just not as needy as the other two boys. I guess I am the crazy cat lady, afterall. Whatever.

I really need to take all of this as a chance to regroup things in my life. I remember sitting in my old living room, before I left California, trying to figure out all of the healthcare snags and moving bumps in the road and all of the things I thought were going to be impossible at the time. I felt so overwhelmed and I thought to myself...If I can make this work...there is nothing I cannot due. And I have reminded myself of that very moment about a thousand times these past couple of days. It's not worth stressing myself out and causing a relapse. This tiny problem is totally not worth it. I am stronger than this.

I am actually kinda looking forward to moving. Yes, the place I am in now is so PERFECT for me. I cant get my car any closer to the front door without driving through it. But this place is kinda riddled with bad joojoo. It will be nice to not be reminded of this failed relationship or that loser douchebag here and there. It will be a nice, fresh start for me. I can make everything new again. I can start focussing more on getting my health back to where I want it to be. I looked at the jeans I flew from CA to MD in...and let's just say I deperately need to get on a diet.

I have also been re-evaluting the relationships that I have in my life. I definately could be a better friend. I also could definately use a better filter on my mouth. Not everything has to sound so smartass and sarcastic. It's to the point of cynical and bitter sometimes. I dont trust people...and its so known the moment I start talking sometimes. If I keep doing this...I am going to be alone FOREVER. And it doesnt help when people cant seem to quit proving me right. Like the guy that I had been dating almost a month...only to do some digging a few weeks ago and find out that he's married. So, it's this weird balance that I just cant seem to find. Who to be guarded with and who to let some walls down with. Its so hard.

So that's about where I am the moment. That is subject to change at any time. We'll see.