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Written at 10:18 p.m. on Sunday, Nov. 07, 2010

What do you do when things get rough? What do you tell yourself to get you through each day? I am getting tired of doing things and telling myself things that I know just arent true.

I am tired of this feeling in the pit of my stomache. I am tired of not being able to sleep through the night. I am tired of it all. And I am running out of things to tell myself.

Part of me keeps asking myself, "What have you done?" The answer would be everything and nothing...all rolled in to one. I keep wondering why I even left California. I used to hear about these women that moved somewhere for a guy and things didnt work out for one reason or another. I always told myself that I would never be that woman...but I became her anyway. And along with that, I have become this cynical and bitter person that noone really wants to be around. Which just makes me more cynical and bitter. It's a cycle. Vicious. I got out of this po-dunk place 15 yrs ago...and now I am right back where I started. Kinda feel like a loser.

I no longer worry about whether I will end up with someone. I have almost given in to the idea that I probably wont. I wish that was even my biggest problem at the moment. I am worried about where I am going to live. It hasnt been easy looking for places. Almost nothing I have found can accomodate my needs. I am not sure exactly how much time my landlord is going to give me also. Then tonight I got a call from the woman I took the cats to. She said my older cat is not doing well...wont eat, sneezing goo, throwing up, etc. She thinks he is grieving for me. I didnt have the heart to tell her that he did that when he was with I know thats not it. She thinks I should come and get him. Which puts me right back at square one. And I just cant have him here. I know that sounds horrible, but I have to make sure to get myself square too. I dont want to have him put to sleep...but I think I may have too.

So yeah...some heavy shit lately. Tires me out...but not enough to where I can sleep through n entire night. Kinda sucks.