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Written at 8:03 a.m. on Saturday, Mar. 26, 2011

Its 8 am...and I'm streaming Star 98.7, a radio station back in CA...they're playing U2 With or Without You. I love these kinds of mornings. Ive been up for about an hour and half. Its just super-relaxing.

I dont have to be anywhere today...well, not by "have to" standards. I should see my grandmother...havent seen her in months. I should also see Becky...she had surgery last week. I should go to the bank...I have a couple of months worth of checks to deposit. I should go to the grocery store...I hear its going to snow tonight and the word SNOW still scares me. Yeah, alot of should's.

I have alot on my mind at the moment. I found an apartment that is so adorable. But part of me is petrified. There are stairs there...ugh. And its a little more rent and I would have to cover utilities.

And there's Gary...Gary scares me most. Wonderful guy...absolutely wonderful. Treats ee better than anyone has ever treated me. I mean, there is absokutely nothing that he wouldnt do for me. He always brings me little presents and is so thoughtful. He goes with me to places like the DMV to make sure I will be ok...because standing for a long time hurts me and I always have to stand so long there. What scares me most is that one day I am going to look back with regrets and wonder how I let him get away. Because he is just amazing. Everyone I have introduced him to has thought he is so nice...and he is.

But he's MARRIED! And I had to find this out myself weeks after I met him...back in September. He says there in the process of divorcing. He would be here every waking non-working minute if he could. But part of me wont even entertain the idea of being with him. Its months later and a happy wife would notice that her husband is never there...right? I just go back and forth with this.

Maybe I just got up too early this morning.