Strikes me like a baseball bat...across my knees
Written at 1:22 p.m. on Friday, Mar. 21, 2003
Ok, I have been thinking about the occurances of that last entry and all I can think to myself is...I am so fucking pissed on so many different levels.
First, I cant believe I let someone make me feel bad about trying to help someone. I mean really, where was the harm to him in that? There was none. It didnt effect him in any way. Just because he thinks very shallow, very close minded thoughts doesnt mean that I have to.
I have spent the last several months with him thinking to myself if I was just pretty enough...or if I was just skinny enough...or if I just bent to him...he would love me. Well, I am tired of letting someone else label my self-worth. Its such bullshit! Really it is.
And about this living situation. I dont think I can do it. He needs to either be my boyfriend or my roommate. Pick one and run with it. But you cant have it both ways. And its tearing me apart simply because I care so much. I keep thinking that if I just sit there quiet enough, long enough that he will see how much of a jackass he is being about this. Because I have been through all of this with him before and it broke every fiber of my being when that happened. And I just cant put myself through that again.
And that's it...no more of this second chance bullshit. I did that with "MrCuriousGeorge", "MrBialamos"...and every other guy I have dated in the last two years. No, if it doesnt work the first time, that's too bad. I am tired of thinking maybe, just maybe this one will stick. Because whatever this glue is, its not holding.
What I am the most pissed off about is a little conversation that I had with "MsMoHoney" last night. I was venting all of my greivances to her about this. She got very quiet and said You do know that he isnt always here during the day, he sometimes leaves shortly after you do. WTF?
That would make perfect sense. It would explain why he is still sleeping when I get home. Stupid me is here thinking its because he works so hard. No, its because he's been out doing god knows what and probably comes home an hour before I get home to make it look convincing.
That would also explain what happened yesterday. See, I was two hours late into work. And he had no advance notice that I was going to be home. So as I was leaving, his cell phone rang...he didnt answer it. And 30 seconds later, it rang again...he still didnt answer it. I was kidding and said Just answer it and tell her I am running late and I will be leaving in a few minutes. He said it was his friend Ralph calling to probably see if he could work today. But part of me isnt writing off the thought that it really was some girl he's been hooking up with, sitting at her house waiting and wondering why he's late. Man...looks like the joke's on me!
If he is cheating we have some problems there. For obvious, very apparent reasons. And if he isnt cheating, we still have problems. Because I dont want to have to constantly worry about what he's doing or checking his cell phone history. Its not worth the energy. But you can bet your ass that I will be hacking into his cell phone account (not much hacking required, I have the password) and I will be seeing what calls were made after I left yesterday and to whom.
This morning he came in while I was still sleeping. He layed down and cuddled up to me and put his head on my stomache. And all I could think was I dont want to look at you right now. I dont want you to touch me. If what I think is true, you make me sick.
I feel like such a fucking idiot. I feel stupid for being so hesitant about trusting him, then finally allowing myself to...only to get slapped in the face.
I almost dont want to go home because I dont want to see him. But "Ms2inchman" is coming over later and she is just what I need to be cheered up.
All of this is such utter fucking bullshit!