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From a look like my friend
Written at 12:19 a.m. on Wednesday, Mar. 26, 2003

This may be the first time I ever admitted that I was wrong.

Tonight I came home feeling upset about everything. When I came in, he was in a grumpy mood and being a little testy. I finally looked at him and said What the hell is going on here? With us. That got us into a long, involved conversation.

I was asking why this relationship is so stale. That there is no spark in it. And what he told me just shook me. He told me that I wasnt affectionate enough. That he has never had a girlfriend that wasnt hugging all over him all of the time. That I am the problem. At first, I started to rummage through my head and come up with something that I could fight against his comment with. But I couldnt. He was absolutely right. I am not very affectionate to him at all. I would never just roll over and lay on him or kiss him. Why is that?

Then I talked with "MsMoHoney" about it...and everything became so crystal clear to me. I was telling her how I am an affectionate person. She told me she could see a few times that I was less than affectionate. She told me about a night that he came over to me and gave me a hug goodbye and she said she thought to herself how different it was to see me hug him. Then two seconds later I just turned around and walked away from him.

She went on to explain that I am not just like that with him. Its everyone. I keep people at a safe distance and refuse to let people close. Taking in example how I am with my friends. I will take a friend and hang out with them for a while...then stop hanging out with them for a while...then start hanging out with another friend for a while. Its a way for me to keep at a distance with people. Just be the good time friend.

Like with being mad at him makes me feel like I have a reason for keeping him at distance. That I have walls and I keep people outside of them.

Looking at it, I completely agree. I have had more than one person say that when they met me I came across as being standoffish or snobby. But when they got to know me, they thought I was very nice.

Then I started thinking about my friends and how I am very open with them. And I realized that even the ones that I thought knew me very well...dont. There arent many people that know me very well. Even the ones that think they do.

Looking back I cant really remember having a boyfriend that I was very affectionate to. Now, I dont know how I could have possibly thought I was. I hadnt realized it until tonight. For once my overanalyzation of everything paid off.

And I analyzed the hell out of everything tonight. I cant beleive how far I dug down to tonight. It was like once I started digging, I couldnt stop. I started off the night thinking that on a scale from one to ten my mentally screwed up level was at about five or I am thinking eight or nine.

I am just astonished at how clearly I see and understand things now. I didnt see any of this before. It was a real wake up call to me. And I didnt feel comforted about it when "MsMoHoney" looked at me and said My god Tracey, do you see how much of a neurosis that is? I kinda freaked out when she said that to me. And she said it more than once.

I have a few more issues than I thought I had.