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And I dont deserve to be lonely just cuz you say I do
Written at 12:56 a.m. on Thursday, Mar. 13, 2003

I cant believe how much better I feel when I go out and am reminded that I do have a life.

I came home and just like always, he was sleeping. I swear, I would give anything to know what he does with his days. A person cant sleep 12 hours straight everyday.

I also hate how he gives me a hard time about going out with my friends. Always insinuating that I am going to do things I shouldnt be doing. If I had a boyfriend that I spent time with in the evenings then I wouldnt need to go out. But I cant stay holed up in this batcave. Its so depressing. He has all the doors shut and all the curtains closed.

So when he left, I headed to "Cheers" to meet up with "Ms2inchman" and "MsTornado". "MsAngelic" was already there when I got there. And I cant stress enough how good it was to be out and among the living. It always takes everything I have to walk out the door, but once I am on the other side I feel so much better. I am reminded that I have friends and people that care about me.

Because I can see how its changing me. My skin has become so pale and my hair this overprocessed mess. I am breathing, but not living. And I have got to snap out of that. I have told my friends to not accept no for an answer when they call me to go out. That I will try to talk my way out of it and they just might have to come and physically drag me out of the house.

Tomorrow I made plans to go over and hang out with "MrPurpleRain" at his house. I was talking to him tonight at "Cheers" and we were talking about how he lives two buildings over from me and we never see each other. So he invited me over tomorrow night. I am sure "MrBigDaddy" will not particularly care for that, but I am going anyway.

I just need to be around people right now. I am an extroverted person and I get all of my energy from being around other people. I have always been that way. Even as a kid, I had a hard time playing in my room all by myself...I had to be with someone else.

And I can feel myself coming out of this funk I have been in. I am starting to physically feel better. My legs arent so numb. They are a little, but nothing like what they were. And when I feel good physically, I feel good mentally.

I am determined to make things better.

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